Title: OWN GOAL!
PART TWO
From: Mr. Ebi Garr Dear Authur, Thanks for the all the understanding you have on us and the faith, the photograph you see can tell you how we are really willing for your help. the photograph i hope it will be ok by you due to the short time being geving to us i hope you understand . [A very disappointing set of pictures arrive]
[NO! NO! NO! This just WILL NOT do at all. Time to admonish Ebi!]
From: Arthur Dent (Managing Director) Dear Ebi,
From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear authur,
[I can't reply, I'm now in Alaska. My 'automated service' replies...] From: Arthur Dent (Managing Director) *** THIS IS A AUTOMATED REPLY SYSTEM - PLEASE DO NOT REPLY AS YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A ANSWER ***
Dear Sir/Madam,
[UK readers may recognise the name of Charles Brocket. He was one of the contestants in this years ITV show "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!"] From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Mr. Ebi.
From: Mr. Ebi Garr Dear Charles, thanks for your mail i was very glad when i got you mail, with all information that Dent have giving to you. regards
From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Ebi,
From: Mr. Ebi Garr Dear charles, Thanks for the information , i will see what i can do before 28 i have contacted all memeber of my club together may the photograph will be taken today. regards
From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Ebi,
From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear chales, Thanks for the replying ASAP but i will like to ask one question i don't know if you can tell the size of the image becosi will like to have a good and clear image,sorry for asking this but Mr dent did not give me any so i want to know if you have an ideal of the image. i will be very glad to get an answer from you ASAP.
From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Ebi, [OK, so I searched the Internet for a picture featuring a group of people in a suitable pose. As luck would have it I found a great picture of a group of people appearing at a works presentation. They were all holding framed award certificates, absolutely perfect for my purposes. After a little editing I sent Ebi the picture...]
From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear charles, Thanks for the image you sent me i'm really very happy to let you know that i have all the information of how the image will look like. but i don't think my club will have the money to put the word ARSE BANDIT in a frame . Mr Dent told me just to use A4 sheet to write the word so what do you think about that.i will be waiting for your reply. Ebi Garr.
From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Ebi,
From: Mr. Ebi Garr DEAR CHARLES,
From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Sir,
From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear chaeles, Thanks for the question i will be sending the photograph on 27 th of this month which is on friday. Ebi Garr.
[The 27th arrives, and so does another excuse] From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear charles, i'm very sorry for keeping you waiting for the photograph but it's due the to the fult we are having here the photograph have been takeing but we are have problem with the scaner i wiil send the photograph ASAP when every thing is ok .
From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Ebi,
[Well, Ebi is too late for the Donation Committee's meeting. Guess I'll be waiting even longer for the pic!] From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear charles, Thanks for reminding me about the meeting of the comittee i will see waht i can do about that becos we are having problem with the scaner but ASAP when we re thru i will send the photograph to you. thanks for the mail. Ebi Garr.
From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear charles, how are you today i hope fine anyway i just want to let yu know that the photograph will be send befor 19of the month i hope you unstand the condition of things over here. i will mail you back when i have more time. Ebi Garr.
From: Charles Brocket, PA Dear Ebi,
From: Mr. Ebi Garr dear charles, Due to the information i will likely to say that the photograph will me sent to you ASAP i will make sure of that.[Yeah, yeah. I've heard that enough times already!] Thanks for your reminder God will bless you for that Amen. regards
[Arthur's back from Alaska, and he wants to know when this bloody picture is arriving] From: Arthur Dent, MD. Dear Ebi, How are you? This is Arthur Dent. I am just letting you know that I have now returned from my conference in Alaska. My personal assistant Charles Brocket has kept me well informed as to your progress. As you have already been told, the final meeting of the Donation Committee will be on the 19th of this month (March), therefore is you are to qualify for the donation payment then you must send in your photograph *before* this date. The meeting on the 19th is the last meeting of our financial year and they Donation Committee do not convene again until the end of August. [Time to let Ebi know that there is another scammer on the horizon after his money. Perhaps this will get him to move faster] Ebi, please let me know if you will be able to send your picture before the 19th because we have received another application for a donation from a sports ministry in Cote D'Ivoire. If you are unable to send in your picture then I am afraid we will have to proceed swiftly to help our other applicant because they have already informed me that they can have their photograph ready within 24 hours of our asking. Please get back to me ASAP as this is very important and time is running short. After the 19th of this month I am afraid there is nothing more I can do for you. Kind regards, Arthur Dent.
From: Mr. Ebi Garr Dear Arthur, i'm very happy to see your mail thanks for the reminder in fact i will be able send my photograph is due to the scaner we are having here ASAP i wll send the photograph to you on monday, Please Dent i will like you to consider my club for we don't want his chance to pass us by i will be very greatful if you put us into considiration . Thanks for the reminder.
From: Arthur Dent, MD. Dear Ebi, Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear about the problems with the scanner. Perhaps you have a friend who can scan the picture for you, or maybe you have an Internet cafe that can offer such facilities? Ebi, I will be very happy indeed for you to receive this donation. I can see that you have tried very hard to get the information required. It would personally make me happy to see you get what you deserve. [Happy indeed!] However, I have to tell you that the decision is not for me alone to make. It is true that I am the owner of the club and business, but due to very strict charity laws here in the UK your donation must be approved firstly by the donation committee before I am able to award you the $93,770.00 (ninety three thousand, seven hundred and seventy dollars) so it is vitally important that you get the picture to me very quickly indeed. After the 19th of this month I am unable to process your claim for another 5 months (August 2004). Ebi, I believe that my assistant Charles Brocket has already sent you an example picture which shows the kind of size and quality we expect, but if you have any further questions about the picture please do not hesitate to get in touch with me and ask. Because we are getting so close to the final date for submissions it is vitally important that you fully understand the type of image that is required. If you need any further advice (such as scammer or image settings) then please let me know and I will get some information from the technicians in my computer departments. I have included some simple instructions below. With kind regards, Arthur Dent
*** SCANNING INSTRUCTIONS ***
2. Once the photograph has been successfully scanned, resize the photograph to approximately 1,000 (one thousand) pixels in WIDTH. 3. Save the image as a JPG image but be sure to make the JPG compression set to a minimum. If the image has the compression set too high the result will be a blocky and unclear image. Blocky or blurry images will be REJECTED.
From: Mr. Ebi Garr Dear Arthur, I'm very happy for the information and all the faith that you have in my club anyway thanks for the ideal you gave me i will see what i can do about finding an internet cafe in my area i'm very lucky to have the use of internet in my club. Mr dent i will send you the photograph as soon as posible before monday, it's weekend so i will see what i can do. I will mail you back later today if i have the chance of scanning the photograph.
From: Mr. Ebi Garr Dear Arthur, Happy sunday to you i just want to let you know that the photograph will be sent to you tommrow i got a friend how has an internet cafe that will help me can the photograph. please Dent i will like you to reply to my e-mail to keep my faith going and memebers of my club. Like i said we are the chance of playing for the inter state compitision which is starting on the 29 of this month. we have our first game on the 30 becos we are in group B in the compitision. I will be waiting for your reply as soon as posible . like i said thnaks for all the time and faith you have on my club i don't what to say but Thanks. regards
From: Arthur Dent, MD. Dear Ebi, My thanks for keeping me well informed of your progress. As soon as your photograph is received tomorrow I will contact you immediately. I presume you will be in your office all day tomorrow? Once the photograph has been verified as suitable I will immediately forward you the agreement form via email attachment. All that is required then is for you to sign and date the form and return it to me and then the donation can be paid out immediately. If you also forward me your full mailing address I can have my secretary post you various brochures and booklets about my company. It will give you much more information about the type of business we do and there are many photographs of the inner-city projects we have currently been helping to develop. I look forward to receiving your image tomorrow. Kind regards, Arthur Dent.
[At last! A great image arrives. I reach another peronal milestone in the fight against scammer scum!] From: Mr. Ebi Garr Dear Arthur, Thanks for the e-mail you sent i have goting the photograph scan which is under the message i hope this meet a satifactry photograph,this will tell you how we are really in need of your help. Please Dent i will like you to understand if there is any erro in the photograph, i will like you to consider my club and i hope the photograph have meet to the satifaction of the committee. I have tried to make sure that have the correct test question ARSE BANDIT with all memebers of my club holding his own sing please consider my club. Thanks for every thing you done for my club please i will be waiting for your reply as soon as posible, Regards
WELL DONE EBI!
[I need a day's thinking time. I send Ebi an 'automated reply'] From: Arthur Dent, MD. *** AUTOMATED REPLY *** Dear Sir/Madam, My thanks for your email. Unfortunately I am out of the office now. I shall return at 8:30AM tomorrow morning. I will endeavour to reply to you then. Kind regards, Mr. Arthur Dent.
From: Arthur Dent, MD. Dear Ebi, My thanks for the picture you sent yesterday. I apologise for the late reply but your picture arrived whilst I was out of the office. I am happy to tell you that the donation committee have accepted the photograph, and we can now proceed to the second and final phase of your donation. I will shortly send you an agreement form which as I have explained before you will need to complete and sign. Once this is received then we can get on to the matter of forwarding you the funds. [Although I am quite happy with the picture Ebi sent to me, I wonder if I can get a higher resolution version suitable for me to frame to put on my desk?!] This next matter is not so important, and is not needed for the donation but it would be appreciated if you could ask for the photograph to be scanned again at a higher resolution (the person who did the scan for you will understand this). Although the picture you send it was acceptable, it would be appreciated if you could send a version of the photograph that has been scanned at a higher resolution so as to make the image more detailed. Perhaps if it can be re-scanned and send to me at a size of about 2,000 pixels wide. There is no point in just resizing the current picture as the enlarged image would decrease in quality. As I have said, this is NOT a requirement, and you will still get the donation payment. It would just be looked on with great favour if you are able to do this. I will forward the agreement to you later today Ebi. I have a very important meeting to attend to this afternoon, so once it has been completed I will send the agreement for to you as a attachment. Once thing I require before I send the form is that you confirm to me the following: Your FULL name. I will write again soon. Kind regards, Arthur Dent.
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