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TITLE: I Don't Know About Art But I Know What I Like: The Sequel!
PAGE TWO
It takes a couple of days for Alex to reply, but he has an excuse for the delay. From: Alex Osamuyi Good Morning, Mr. Derek.
Before i say a word, i want to say: I'm very sorry for not given any reply to your previous mails. Actually, i wouldn't be that stupid not to have given your mails a reply.
What happened to me in the past few days, what such a terrible thing: I lost one of my board members, and he was such a good man.
Well,, i beleive God knows why such thing happened. Meanwhile, i would have given you a call if i had your number.
Sir, please, be fast about the payment; can't you see your assistance is highly needed? Please, tamper justice with mercy and make it fast as soon as possible. Once again, we're very sorry. in addition to my last mail, i want to say: Thank you very much
for the wonderful certificate, we love it.
Lets give Alex some "good news" about his artists pictures. From: Derek Trotter
Dear Mr. Osamuyi, Ref: 6621211 Our pieces take up to one or two weeks to sell usually. The artwork
sold for UK £17,250 in total (US $30,595) and the lady was
extremely pleased with it. Referring back to the picture, the lady
to the right of the photograph was the one who made the purchase. Kind regards, Time to Photoshop some more fake stuff:
I'm sure Alex will be overjoyed at my good fortune!
From: Alex Osamuyi Good Evening, Sir.
I must express myself with utmost sincerity that my board members and myself was very happy to seeing your last mail. Though, we're still in a very big shock because of the great lost of our humble board member. Anyway, we still praise the name of the Almighty God.
Sir, we're very happy to hearing that; our work attracts customers. And, we hope to continuing working for your company. Well, i understand everything you said about the payment and we look forward to receiving it tomorrow as ealier said by you.
As for my boys: Frank Enofe and Omobude Osakpamwan, "i'm very proud of them", and i assure you that; they will always be at your service anytime. I know when they hear of this, they'll be very happy.
Please, Sir, do everything possible to make sure we receive the payment tomorrow.
Have a splendid night ahead. We love you.
Alex .O. Osamuyi, Awww.. If I didn't know Alex was a miserable little thief I would start to feel sorry for him!
Monday morning arrives, and just before I am about to send Alex his "award" this email comes in from him. From: Alex Osamuyi Good Day, Sir. Sir, please, i'll be glad to know the total amout that you
and your board members have decided to help us with, so that i can
send you more of my staff's names for easy collection.
OK, it's about time we put Alex out of his misery and let him know his award amount. There's a problem.... Well, it is Halloween so I guess it's only right to give Alex a shock. From: Derek Trotter
Dear Mr. Osamuyi, Ref: 6621211 Thank you for your email yesterday. I am pleased to announce that all our board members gathered this morning and we had a meeting to discuss your artists donation payment. On the whole they were extremely pleased with your work, especially considering that we managed to sell your sample artwork so easily. However, one of the board members did bring up the fact that the picture you sent did not meet the minimum size requirements of 14 x 14 inches for the actual picture. The picture itself only covered 13.75 inches by 12.03 inches. Under normal circumstances this would immediately disqualify your donation application, however I can tell you that after a very long discussion I managed to convince the board members to agree to proceed with your donation award. I had to agree to a small revision of the donation amount but nevertheless I can now send your payment in full. Here is the payment information given to Western Union. You should be able to collect your payment later today. Sender: Derek Trotter A copy of my payment receipt is attached along with your payment award certificate. Congratulations! Kind regards, I attach yet more Photoshopped goodies for Alex:
Payment Award Certificate Western Union Payment Receipt I'm hoping the donation amount will provoke a nasty reaction from Alex!
Alex is a little confused. Seems I also forgot to send his shipping fee too. From: Alex Osamuyi Good Day, Mr. Derek.
Please, can you make us understand what these whole thing is all about; I mean, what do you mean by sending: two dollars and seventy seven pence. Please, i do not understand.
That wasn't up to the shipping fee. Please, don't try to fool us here.
I demand for an explanation, please.
Alex. O. Osamuyi, managing Director, Osamuyi Art World Foundation. Explanation on its way soon Alex...
From: Derek Trotter
Dear Al,
Alex isn't amused, and to his credit he seems to be trying hard to be diplomatic. From: Alex Osamuyi Good morning, Sir.
How was your night? i quess you slept well. Anyway, i really do not know what terms to use to you understand that; You don't know the dermage you're about to cause, by doing what you're about doing rightnow.
Mr.Derek, at the begining, this wasn't what we agreed on. Sir, you must know that; we've worked for you and in the course of doing this, we also lost one of our members, which 'tll now, we're still not recovered from.
Sir, befor i say anything forther, i must say we're very sorry for not completing the inches as directed by you. But, on the other hand, we also thought it was okay aswell, because; We've done a lot of work of this same kind of which we get back in return a good remark.
How i wish you know what you're about doing to us now, Sir, you must compromise. Your work was done to the best of our knowledge and we spent so much on the long run. Sir, don't you think this is a world-wide-disgrace? How could you and your board concluded in sending TWO DOLLARS AND SEVENTY SEVEN CENTS to a whole organization who worked and sweat for you. Please, sir, if this is a joke, i think this is too expensive to afford.
Mr, Derek, you know what is due us. Please, sit your members down once again and beg on our behalf to have a rethink over this whole thing and tell them to tamper justice with mercy. You know it's not proper for any reasonable man to just walk magestically to a bank to collect such an amout of money.
Please, have mercy on us, we need your help, we lost a member who's survived by a wife and a daughter. Can't you see much is expected from us as organisation ought to be?
Once again, i beg you in the name of God and we promise to always do your work the way it will please you next time because, i don't want this to be the end of our relationship. Please, print this message and distribute it to everyone of your members, tell them we're sorry.
You and i know how much it takes to ship any commodity at any courier service. Remember you also said that the shipping charges will also be paid back in full, remember? Please, don't make me doubt those words of yours because i know you're a man of honour.
I promise once again to make it up to you next time. Sir, what you know is due us, please just do and send it to us, please. Meanwhile, if we've offended you in anyway, we're highly sorry.
Have a nice day and God bless you. I'll be waiting to hearing from you today.
Alex .O. Osamuyi,
From: Derek Trotter
Dear Al, Time for another Photo-chop:
Alex starts to employ strong-arm tactics From: Alex Osamuyi Greetings, Mr Derek.
No matter how the broblems may seem like, i'll never be lack of my courtesy to anyone, that's why i greet you.
But, on the hand, mr Derek, i want to ask you again: Do you know where you're heading to? i quess you don't know. Tell it to any idiots or fools, they will never beleive your lies about the picture you sent back to me. After roughing the surface with an unwanted paint yourself, you think you can just get away with that, hum?
Mr Derek, i don't need your donation anymore, all i need now is: MY PAYMENT FOR THE WORK I WORKED FOR YOU which i will not collect nothing less than: $ 3, 500 USD. And i also want my shipping charge back, which not less than $95 USD.
Mind you, you have 4 days counting from today to pay up or you'll face the consequece. Note: i knew no member of your but you. It's your name alone that i have.
You may dare me if you wish. But, the end justifies the means.
Alex Osamuyi, Director, Osamuyi Art World Foundation.
From: Derek Trotter
Dear Al, Thanks for the email buddy. Regarding where I'm heading to, well later this week I am on my way to Amarillo, because this whole affair has had me weeping like a willow. Let me get this straight Al; you are suggesting to me that I took your painting, which I sold for £17,250, and then made it completely worthless by "roughing" the surface myself, and therefore as a consequence I have had to return the £17,250 PLUS another £5,000 in compensation? Tell me, what class A drugs are you taking these days? You are also asking me for $95 in shipping charges, yet I know for a fact you only paid 5775 Naira ($45) to ship the artwork to me. I think you're trying to pull a fast one here Al old bean. I can respect that though, I would probably do the same, nudge nudge, wink wink! Tell you what I'll do: Your "artists" currently owe me £5,000 because of their crappy workmanship. You say that your charge for the grotty artwork is $3,500, which is approximately UK £1,985. OK, so I'll deduct the £1,985 from the £5,000 which makes just £3,015 that you now owe me. Just let me know how you want to pay me this outstanding amount and hopefully we can get this all wrapped up by the weekend. Now, if you have a problem with that and don't want to pay up, then I suggest you contact my local police station and make a complaint. The inspector there is Mr. Morse and his email address is [email protected] or if you prefer contact the main complaints desk which is [email protected] I look forward to receiving my payment from you in due course. Cheers,
Alex wheels out the old faithful scammer standby tactic, the voodoo curse. From: Alex Osamuyi Mr Derek, It seems you wants to feel the anguish of a provoked AFRICAN man. If that's how you want it, then you'll surely have it. Well, i never intends to do this, now that you think; you're too big to die misteriousely, then let's face it. Mr Derek, you still have one or two days to pay up that money i demanded for, failing to respond after this grace period, then i'll have to travelled back to my VILLAGE were i came from. You see, i'm proud to be an AFRICAN and i'm extreemly pleased to be an EDO man. I feel so bittered about this whole thing and the remedy that will cure these whole pain is to make sure You, Mr Derek does not see the light of day before this chrismax. My grand father is the chief priest to the god of my village "UDUKAKA" he knows when his children is been cheated upon. So, he'll need nothing but your NAME, WHAT YOU DO and WHERE YOU ARE. Usually, the god gives certain period of grace for the offender to to have a rethink and pay up his/her charges for the pain cost. But, unfortuntely, that grace period is not going to be revealed to you, but you'll be on the advantage when you act quickly now! UDUKAKA is known for her rightful judgement. To refresh your memory, when you're gone, maybe your wife and your daughter, if you have one, will also be used for prostitution, as you which for your fellow man. Now i know the reason why this world finds it difficult to have peace. I know rightfully well that: we do not avenge any offenses nor kill by guns e.t.c, but we're richly blessed with all kinds of voodoos and sharms and we're very proud of it. Dare us, mr Derek. My grand dad takes great pleasure in doing something of this kind that we're about to emback on, because; HE'S VERY AGED NOW. His ancestors are as follows: OGUN, ISANGO, AYELALA, to mention, but a few. Ugbokoniro is my rightfull village. Mr Derek, your life can only be spared if you pay up my sweat money in the sum of: $3,595 USD within the next 2 days. I pitty you! Why have you decided to wreck your life like this? I expect my money in 2 days time, that's my judgement. You may take those words for granted, if you wish to go below 6ft now. Alex Osamuyi. Director Osamuyi Art World Foundation.
From: Derek Trotter
Dear Al, Thank you for your email. You are completely correct Al, I am indeed too big to die mysteriously. Last time I checked I was 6 foot 7 inches tall and weighed 18 stone. Yes it's true, maybe I do need to lose some weight, and dying mysteriously is just not an option for a guy of my size. My death would indeed be noticed. For heaven's sake, my employees would be falling all over me, I take that much space up, so in that respect I agree with you 100% What's with this two days crap? Yesterday you told me four days. Surely I should have three more days, or does time run slightly faster in Nigeria? And what is "chrismax"? Is that anything like Pepsi Max? If so then you'll take my advice and steer clear of it. Pepsi don't like anyone infringing their copyright and if you think Mike Tyson is a hard-ass then you haven't dealt with the Pepsi lawyers. Don't bother about waiting the two days to get back to your village Al. I can tell you now 100% that you will not get a single penny from me. In fact it is YOU that owes me £3015. However, unlike you I am a civilised man so I won't give you any threats because, well to be honest life is good here so why should I ruin it by having you put in my supersize blender like my last wife? I tried voodoo once actually Alex. Didn't work for me though. My penis is still only 9 inches long instead of the promised 12 inches. Damn lying voodoo doctors, they are all the same. They spend hours dancing around a pile of bones whilst you sit there bored to tears, and at the end of it all you have is a sore arse and a tiny knob. A word of warning though Al; you say your grandfather is very aged now? Well I beseech you, please do not wait two more days for me to pay, put him to work right now. You never know, at his age he might just keel over and die, so you want to make sure he gets the voodoo curse out to me before he croaks it. There's nothing worse than a missed opportunity. Who are Ogun, Isango, and Ayelala? Are they part of a pop group over there? I must confess my knowledge of Nigerian supergroups is very limited. Have they had much chart success? Please do let me know if they plan to tour the UK and I will be sure to book tickets to see them. Please pass on my regards to them and if they take my advice they will book the Royal Albert Hall if they decide to gig in the UK. It's a huge venue so they will earn plenty of cash. Tell them to watch out for the groupies though. I went to see Eric Clapton there last year and the groupies he had were right old dogs. So Alex, here's the deal: 1. DON'T wait two days. Get on with the voodoo right now. Cheers buddy, Derek Trotter
Looks like my number is up. From: Alex Osamuyi Mr Derek, i pity for you and now your time is over Alex Osamuyi. Director Osamuyi Art World Foundation.
From: Derek Trotter
Dear Al, Before I proceed to address the points in your email I would like to apologise for some of my remarks in my previous email to you. I ignorantly assumed that Ogun, Isango, and Ayelala were some third rate Nigerian male pop group. However, a trip to my local record store today confirmed that (as you already know) they are Nigerian superstars, and are in fact female. How dumb do I feel now?! I didn't realise how famous they actually are, and you are to be congratulated on having such famous relatives. My field of expertise is actually in avian pornography so I hope you will forgive my lack of musical knowledge. I had no idea that Ogun, Isango, & Ayelala had produced an album with The Temptations, who are one of my most favourite groups. I immediately purchased their CD this morning (see the attached image below) and I have to say I am very impressed with them. I'm really looking forward to their UK tour. Any chance of blagging me some free tickets? I must confess to being a little disappointed by the brevity of your latest message. I would appreciate it more if you could go into some detail as to the manner of my impending death so that my widow-to-be can make the proper preparations. I haven't decided on the music to accompany my funeral, but perhaps at least one track from Ogun, Isango, and Ayelala would be appropriate. What do you think? Please write back soon. Derek Trotter
Is Alex resigned to give up on me? From: Alex Osamuyi Mr. Derek,
just as you know, you're the fool and not me.
That false CD that you designed yourself can also be done by me too. I can decide to paint it and sell because it's very beautiful.
Never in the history of musicians that such names exist. Actually, i decided not to reply any of your mails because of the low level of your understanding.
Regarding what i intented doing to you, my board members and i have decided to let go of that evil plans. Well, you're very lucky.
I'll not do no such thing again and i've decided to let the almighty God judge you and i. But, if you which to pay back my shipping and my expenses in the cost of running your work, then i'll be expecting it.
Best of friends always.
Alex .O. Osamuyi,
From: Derek Trotter
Dear Al, Ref: 6621211 Will Alex ever reply to me?
Update 11th November 2005 Looks like Alex has given up on me unfortunately. I've had no reply to my email above. I might get in touch with him in a month or so from a different
email address to see if we can get him on the hook again, but as
far as this particular scambait goes I think it's all over. Still,
not to worry as there are many many more scammers out there to take
my pick from
END.
This scambait is dedicated to the memory of: Mark Time
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