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Further to your mail below, I would like to place an order for 15,000 wombles. Do you have these in stock? Many thanks.

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i receieve your mail,well thanks for the mail.the womble animal which you requested is remaining just two in our farm.

I do not know if you will like to purchase just the two.I will also like to have your contact number and your home address in which the animals can reach you.I will be expecting from you soonest.please further enquiry email the sales manager via email (CENSORED) Thank you as i await you to patronised us.

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Many thanks for your mail. Unfortunately two wombles will not be enough. Please let me know as soon as you have 15,000.

In the meantime, perhaps you will be able to help me out with the rest of our requirements. If you have any of the following animals in stock, please let me know as soon as possible as we are desperate for them. They must be alive and healthy, of course, and a good mixture of male and female to encourage reproduction - they gonna get it on for our pleasure I tell you.

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Any news on the animals we requested? We are desperate to get hold of at least some of these. Many thanks in advance for your help.

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I am not sure if my e-mails are getting through to the other address (CENSORED). We originally requested 15,000 wombles, but unfortunately only two are in stock. I have listed other animals (and quantities) we are seeking, but have not heard back yet. I was hoping that you (as sales manager) would be in a position to tell us if some or indeed any of these are in stock. Looking forward to hearing from you.

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Hello Tug Owar,
I received your mail.i am so elated.The list of animals which you requested for are not available in the farm the only available ones right are:
15 monkeys the primates type
5 parrots
and two wombles.
These are the only availabe which i can provide for you.I am so sorry we do not have your complete request.Do to send to me your private telephone number for a direct communication with you.thank you as i await your patronage.
Osas

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Many thanks for your mail. A great shame that you do not have the animals listed - most of them are extremely rare. If you ever get even 1 of the animals on the list, please be so kind as to contact me before you offer to anyone else. We will pay a very generous price for them.

If this means you have to hunt and catch them, then we will pay double. Unfortunately we are not interested in normal monkeys and parrots as we only collect rare animals. Wank monkeys and terror parrots remain high priority as these are extremely rare (only a few left in the world).

As soon as you have ten wombles I will buy them (it is then worth the cost of shipment - shipping small quantities of wombles can be costly, despite the fact they are very clean and well-behaved animals - they actually clean up after themselves).

In the meantime, I am very happy to be working with you and appreciate your efforts in finding these rare animals.

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Dear Tug Owar,
I have receieved your recent mail.You seems to be serious about the animals that you requested for.I will like to aquiant you on the fact that though we do not have almost all the animals in stock i can do something alternative if you wish.
I will be able to provide you with the wank monkey,terror parrot and even 85 wombles.
I have contacted another sister's farm in the northern part of my country here in Nigeria.
For the other requested animals i have a farm patner in Kenya.I will like to inform you that if you are really serious in purchasing this animals you have to make a part payment for purchase of the other animals in the patner farm animals at a cheaper rate for you,because i will make the other as if i am the one buying it.A farm in the southern part of america just order for the wank monkey and terror parrot but i am not given it until i see the readiness in you.
For the shipping of this animals we have our special delivery service that is never hindered by any governmental restriction.They specialised in the delivery of animals to any country of the world and we have counted on them for several years.It is risk free
I will like to have your private telephone number for a better communication with you directly.I will be waiting for your urgent reply.Thank you as i await your patronage.
Osas.

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Many thanks for your e-mail. Please feel free to call me by the name my friends and colleagues call me, ‘Quick’ Tug (I’m fast as lightning and very very frightening, they say!). It's been my nickname since I was a boy in Londonderry in East Sussex.

I am delighted to hear that you are able to provide us with 85 wombles, a wank monkey and a terror parrot! The HAND RELIEF FUND (our charity/company) runs several animal parks, allowing young children to see rare and even fictional creatures that they would otherwise never see. This is why we are so keen to get hold of extremely rare animals from all over the world.

The next stages will be to consider contracts and make arrangements for the transportation of these animals. As I’m sure you will appreciate, my first consideration is the safety of the animals during shipment. It would be good if you could give an indication of the state of health of the individual animals - listing any health problems with them. Wombles are generally very healthy creatures. Wank monkeys are prone to self abuse. Terror parrots don't usually travel well and are prone to anxiety and panic attacks. Wombles usually travel well, even in the hold of a ship, as they are subterranean creatures by nature and therefore have no problems with dark, confined spaces. I believe we will have to separate the wank monkeys and the wombles, as wombles tend to clean things up whereas wank monkeys make an awful mess. Consequently these creatures are probably best shipped in different cages. Terror parrots generally just sit still looking wary at the best of times.

At this stage I would be interested to know how you wish to arrange shipping? Will you arrange full transportation or will you be able to ship them only part way? I can arrange for import documentation in Britain, but I also have contacts in Spain and Gibraltar, if you can manage to get the animals as far as there?

Of course, we need to settle on a price. The price, I’m sure, depends on how much of the shipping your company will be arranging. I would expect a lower price if we have to pick them up from Gibraltar. In which currency would you prefer to negotiate?

Finally, for your information, I should add that our company is ISO certificated and works to all applicable international standards regarding the handling, care and shipment of animals. As far as I know, these standards also apply to fictional creatures. Consequently, we will be requiring a scanned copy of whatever health and safety certification your company has before proceeding. These will be kept on file throughout our business and, in line with international standards, kept on file for a minimum of seven years. If your company requires copies of our certification, this can of course be arranged.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your efforts in finding these creatures and shall look forward to hearing your views on price, shipping arrangements and health and safety certification.

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Thank you for mail which you have sent to me.I so much appreciate.Sorry for the delay in responding to your mail,it was due to the fact we were very busy in the farm vacinating the animals.

I will like to inform you that the 85 wombles,wank monkey and terror parrots will be delivered to you and the children shall have there lost fun back this season.

For the transportation of the animals bought from us i am assuring you that there is no harm in transporting them to your destination.Almost every week the doctor do come and vacinitate for a proper careful health stable.Put a away all fear that the wombles,wank monkey or the parrots will not be safe during the exportation of the animals.We know how to place them when transporting them even when the anmals get to you our delivery service help in placing it your desire position either in the zoo or wherever.You do not need any kind of form or certificate in your side to get the animals deliver to you.

As for the shippment of the animals,like i made mention in my previous mail we have a special delivery service that is relaible and trusted and tested they have been doing the dlivery to our customers around the countries of the world.Note that as soon you pay the shipping fee all the animals will be shipped to you once with your given address.

The cost price for each wombles are $250 us dollar each
The wank monkey is $300 us dollar
The terror parrots is $450 us dollar
The shipping is $650 us dollar.
I am sorry this will not interest you,The wombles itself,wank monkey and terror parrots was not breed from my farm.I bought from another farm.I told you earlier that i have just two wombles.The farm in which the animals were bought recently got destroy by some stupid villiagers during there protest against the sisters,so with this effect all documents regarding all information of there animals which they have breed got destroy during the process.luckily before that time i had gone to buy your requested animals from her that was the saving grace.I will want you to kindly understand with me and the OSAS FARM ANIMAL.

As soon you make payment the animals will be deliver to you within 1week and 4days.You are suppose to make payment through our bank here in nigeria,currently our bank is having its online problem so because of this we usually tell our customers to make payment throught our represenatative in Europe.Bear in that you are responsible for the shipping cost of $650 us dollar.From nigeria.
You are to send to us this requirement:
YOUR FULL NAMES
YOUR FULL ADDRESS
YOUR OFFICE ADDRESS
YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER
YOUR OFFICE TELEPHONE NUMBER
With this information we can be able to process the the appropraite documents needed from the transportation of the animals be purchase from us.Please tell us the address in which the animals will be delivered to.Thank you as we the entired Osas farm animal await your patronage.
Osas.

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Firstly, many thanks for your prompt response. It is good to hear that the animals are in such good health. I am looking forward to doing this business with you.

In terms of costs, I am satisfied with the price. Just to make absolutely clear, this is how I understand it:

It is disappointing to hear that the veterinary records of these animals have been destroyed by the Village People. I had expected better from the Village People. I think it was that Indian one that put them up to it.

However, you mentioned that you had been vaccinating the animals? In this case, I would be grateful if you could photocopy the records of all vaccinations you have done and forward them with the shipment. This will give us at least some health records.

Now to the business of shipping. I'm afraid there may be some difficulties, but I hope this won't stop us from completing this business. I went into central London this morning to apply for permission to import the animals. The advisor there has suggested that there may be some problems with importing such rare animals. As I’m sure you are aware, there are strict guidelines on the shipment of animals listed internationally as endangered species. This is due to the fact that a species on the brink of extinction could be put further at risk by long-haul shipping. I am fully confident that you have the expertise to ship these animals without risk to their well-being, but unfortunately I also have to convince the Ministry of Import/Export here in London. The advisor has suggested that there is sufficient concern about these species that the United Nations has passed a provisional motion to prevent international transportation of these animals.

This means that we may not be able to do this business... at least not 100% legally. Terry, as I’m sure you are aware my first priority is the safety of these animals. I am worried that, if we do not get these animals to my animal farm here in England, there is a possibility that they could become extinct within as little as two years, especially with the Village People causing havoc.

Consequently, I hope I do not shock you by proposing that we continue to do this business but unofficially. Please read the rest of this e-mail before you make a decision!

I would like to ask that you treat this e-mail as strictly confidential. Can I trust you on this?

The import/export problems mean that I cannot send cash through the bank. This isn’t necessarily a problem, as I can have a representative of our charity meet you (or a representative of your company) in a neutral country and give you the money face to face.

I have contacts in United Kingdom Customs & Excise who I sometimes pay to do me favours. If you can tell me which port the animals will be arriving in I can arrange to have them pass through without inspection. This will cost me some money, but at least these animals will be saved from extinction in the long term.

In terms of meeting, the best place in my experience is The Netherlands because their laws on entering the country are very flexible. I suggest I send a colleague to Amsterdam and he will meet someone from your company. I have looked at flight ticket prices from Nigeria to Amsterdam and will agree that we can add $2,100 dollars to the total, as this was the most that a flight could cost.

I would expect total confidentiality from start to finish. I would also expect that the animals would be arriving in a UK port no later than 10 working days after we have given you (or one of your representatives) the money in cash.

I hope that you are willing to do this business unofficially as I am genuinely very eager to help save these animals. I know they are good hands with you, but they will be very well kept here and slowly we will increase their numbers until there are thousands of them in the world again.

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I hope I have not offended you suggesting that we might work 'unofficially'. Please understand if this is the case that no offence was intended. I hope you are still interested in getting the animals to us and concluding the business, as this would be the best solution for the animals themselves and for you (as you have already invested money in obtaining the animals from another farm).

Once again, I apologise if you have taken any offence and hope to hear from you soon.

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I am getting worried because I have not heard from you. I hope all is OK and you are not ill. Please get in touch as I am eager to complete our business.

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I am so sorry for the belated responses to your mail. I travel to Cameroon for my “animal business’ though hectic but very rewarding. I am writing from Cameroon Yaoundé right now. I will be back to Nigeria by Monday evening.

Sequel to your last mail, upon which request was made by you to send my representative to the Netherlands to commence payment and shipping arrangement,

Our senior sale representative by the name of Dr. Wole Adebayo will be in Madrid Spain on Tuesday 16^th of august,

We are going to send you contact details when he arrives Madrid, you should endeavor to send me your direct telephone number for easy communication. You can reach me on this number +2348057924236 (the number is roaming) you can contact me right now as soon as you read this mail.

On the issue of shipment of your orders and the nature of the animals, we are going to do it through the back door. We have done it for some of our clients who are in need of similar species of animals. So there is no risk involve in transporting the animals to your destinations. All you need to do is to take care of your own side,(customs and health officials) This latest form of shipment will cost you a little bit more due to the fact that we have to bribe the customs and quarantine official here in Nigeria. Dr.Wole Adebayo will discuss the extra cost of shipment when you meet him.

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I have not heard from you what is going on your side; well I hope all is fine with you. My representative left Nigeria to Spain yesterday.

I will want you to send me your telephone number in which our representative can easily reach you with. These animals are really costing me much on feeding. If you are not interested in buying them any longer do let me know on time because some customers are requesting for this wombles animals. I await your urgent response. Thanks

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Many thanks for your e-mail and sincerest apologies for the delay in responding. I too have been working abroad in the last few days. I am currently in Eastern Europe giving lectures on mermaids to farmers who rear sea creatures in their baths. I had not heard from you and had presumed there was something wrong or you had perhaps had an accident. Nonetheless, I'm glad to hear all is well with you.

I will be touring Eastern Europe over the next ten days before returning to London on Monday 29th August. Internet connection in Eastern Europe seems to be awful, which is why I have been unable to access internet in the past few days, and I am touring small rural towns lecturing in agricultural colleges and such like.

I understand that it is costing you to keep the animals in the meantime and therefore I am prepared to pay a little extra. Please also let me know what the other costs will amount to (bribing Nigerian officials). Once again I must stress that our business should remain strictly confidential, but I'm sure you agree on this - we both have to keep our reputations but of course we are doing what is best for the animals.

Unfortunately we won't be able to get anyone to Spain. I would suggest that I am the only person who should meet with you or one of your representatives - now that we are doing this business 'unofficially' I do not want to risk one of my less senior team members messing things up. The authorities in Britain have

been watching our accounts ever since we purchased a yeti in February last year in spite of the fact that we had been turned down for import approval.

I would be happy to meet with one of your representatives after I return to the UK. I recommend not sending anyone anywhere without asking me first because, as we have seen here, I might be in a situation where I cannot check my mail. We can discuss and then agree a place to meet. For obvious reasons it has to be outside the UK, but not in Africa either (because I would have a stamp in my passport which the authorities in England would question if they investigate us). I can travel freely in Europe without getting stamps in my passport. The reason I suggested Amsterdam is that we have colleagues there and I can easily go there without questions being raised. Also, I know the place well and am more comfortable meeting you somewhere familiar. I want to meet you in Amsterdam because I will be carrying nearly 30,000 pounds in a briefcase and I am nervous of being robbed by others.

Please let me know all is OK with you. Remember I will pay extra for the care of the animals in the meantime and also for the bribes for the Nigerian

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Thank God you wrote back to me. You made me worried though other customer has started making offers concerning the wombles animals because they are very rare. I thought you were not interested in buying them anymore and they were costing me much to feed them. Four days ago officials of the Nigeria wildlife and Conservation in conjunction with the Federal Ministry of health came to my farm and they gave me two weeks ultimatum to get rid of the wombles and other wildlife animals waiting for shipment abroad or it will be confiscated, I have to part away with 150,000 thousand naira (Nigeria currency) to bribe them which is equivalent to $1,000

Also I am making arrangements to take other animals which I know I can not meet their deadline to a remote location in the jungle away from the prying eyes of the health officials and conservationist. In this regards I obliged to ask a token of cash assistance in other to be meeting their feeding regularly, as you are still given me assurance that I should keep them for you, for this reason I can see your seriousness in the whole issue as this will make me not to dispose them to other reputable customers.

Relating to your traveling to Amsterdam we are still comfortable to send our officials to meet you over there since you said it’s more convenient for you traveling to Amsterdam. You are in this effect to send to us your

TRAVELLING DETAILS including, the flight schedule time hotel and date of arrival in Amsterdam as this will help us to prepare and make arrangement toward meeting in Amsterdam. Once again I am indeed sorry for your accident.

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As I mentioned in my previous e-mail, I am prepared to cover the cost of bribing the Nigerian officials and will also cover the cost of looking after the animals until they are delivered. I believe the price we agreed originally was US$24,750 including transportation and everything. With the $1,000 to cover the bribe and the cost of caring for the animals for the next two weeks or so, I believe we should be settling at $26,500 maximum. Please let me know whether you think this is a fair amount.

As I mentioned, I will be touring Eastern Europe until I return to London on Monday 29th August. I will try and book a flight to Amsterdam any time between Wednesday 31st August and Sunday 4th September, depending on what is good for you (or your representative). I suggest a Saturday is best as flights will be cheaper during the weekend (businessmen travel during the week so they put the prices up higher). Saturday 3rd September is best for me, and if this is OK with you then I will book a flight and let you know my arrival time. I will be carrying a briefcase with the agreed amount of money in US dollars. After I have given the money, you can instruct your people that it is OK to ship the animals. As I said before, I would like to receive the animals within a week of handing over the cash. Please let me know to which port in England the animals will be shipped so I can make arrangements with my connections in UK customs and excise.

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Thank you for your quick response, I am again very happy to hear from you, as for your information regarding your coming to Amsterdam I will make adequate preparation to be there on or before the 3^rd of September and also I want to be sincere with you that there is no way the animals can arrive in England in one week due to the fact that it will take me 3days here in Nigeria to cover and make all shipping arrangements and you should know that the ship might still berth in other ports in west Africa before arriving England I am looking a maximum of 3weeks unless you want to go by air which will take just 3days and it will be more costly.

And considering the nature of the animals its safer to go by sea, I will also like to ask for your assistance due to the fact that the animals are costing me much on feeding them and again the time schedule specified for the arrival of the animals to England in regard of this I will want you to send the sum of $800 which will be deducted from the total cost to enable me to take care of there feeding for this specific period of time. If this request will be a burden to you, I can still understand but I will be very appreciative if you can still render me assistance in taking care of the animals, pending when you will receive them in England.

I will like you to call me on my direct line CENSORED as to give you every necessary guideline toward meeting my official in Amsterdam

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Dear Quick,
I am worried,hope all is well with you over?Please get back to me on time or call me +CENSORED

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No need to worry, as I mentioned I am still in Eastern Europe and getting access to internet here has been difficult. This is the first time I have had access since Saturday.

In any case, all is well here. As soon as I get back to England I will book a flight to Amsterdam for Saturday 3rd September. Once again, I can assure you that I will be giving you money to cover the cost of feeding the animals - you mention $800 as the cost. This is roughly the amount I had assumed. I will be bringing $26,500 (US dollars) to Amsterdam in a briefcase which I will hand to you at the airport. Of course, all the money will have to be given in cash face- to-face because the authorities are watching our accounts.

I have spoken with my contacts in UK customs and everything is fine this end. I will tell them that the delivery is more likely to be three weeks rather than one week. I have no problem with this.

Once again, just to explain: the $26,500 covers the cost of the animals (as agreed in previous e-mails), plus money to cover your (or your representative's) travel to Amsterdam - we agreed that this would be no more than $24,750. On top of that is the money to bribe the Nigerian officials and also money for feeding and caring for the animals in the meantime.

So for the time being I will say that I will meet your representative at Amsterdam Schiphol airport on Saturday 3rd September at a time which we will arrange as soon as I get back to England. But definitely on that day.

Please let me know when your representative will be arriving and on what flight. If I am arriving first then I will wait at the gates with a sign with the name of our charity 'HAND RELIEF FUND'. Of course, if he is arriving first then he can wait at the gates with 'HAND RELIEF' sign too. This way we will recognise each other. It will be useful to know his name too.

OK, must go, but it's good to know that everything is finalised for Saturday 3rd. Just flight times and meeting time to be arranged, but we can confirm that after I arrive in England on Monday night. I hope the animals are well and everything is OK in the meantime and will look forward to meeting your representative Saturday 3rd.

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I have received your mail; I will be waiting for your flight schedules make sure you send me details and time of your flight. Hoping to see you in Amsterdam.Thank you as await your reply.

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Many thanks for your patience over the last couple of weeks. It was a tiring trip round Eastern Europe and frustrating to have so little access to internet. Unfortunately they don't pay me enough money for my lectures to be able to stay in fancy hotels, so I end up spending rough nights in flea-ridden beds tossing and turning. Well, sometimes just tossing, depending on my mood.

Anyway, back home safe and sound. I booked the flight to Amsterdam, so here is the information.

I will arrive at Amsterdam Schiphol airport on Saturday 3rd September on flight BA0438 from London Heathrow airport at 15:35 local time (i.e. Amsterdam time).

Please let me know who I will be meeting and where. I know the airport quite well, so if we are to meet at the airport let me know. It will also be useful to know the arrival time of your representative (are they arriving on a flight on Saturday or before?) Also, the name of the representative would be useful. Let me know the details of your representative and his arrival and we can make the arrangements to meet.

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Thank you for your mail, our representative shall live Nigeria on Thursday to France, and then from France he will board a train to Amsterdam on Friday afternoon. The reason for this is due to the fact that no booking to Amsterdam that Friday so in order not to disappoint you we prefer he used the France airway.

You are to send to us your telephone number so that when our representative arrive Amsterdam he can give you a call. The name of our representative is (JOHN JOHNSON)

This is very important your telephone number is needed now till Friday evening. Call Osas farm immediately you are received this mail, CENSORED.Hoping to hear from you soon. God bless you.

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Many thanks for your mail. The reason I haven't called by phone before now is that I am almost completely deaf. I fought in the Falkland's War in the mid 1990s and was in the Navy. A missile was launched while I was next to the guns without hearing protection and, although I wasn't injured physically, I sustained serious physical injuries to the ear drums. Unfortunately there is not much the doctors can do. My speech is still clear (I am told) because I could obviously speak for many years before I was deaf.

There are phones for the deaf and nearly-deaf, however - these are called textphones or TDDs. If your representative has one of these he can send a message when he arrives in Amsterdam. Unfortunately with present technology, textphones are only compatible with other textphones, meaning he needs to have one of these to communicate with mine.

This is why I have been communicating only via e-mail until now. I suggest what we do is make a firm appointment which no-one can miss. Amsterdam Schiphol airport is in any case on the rail route to Amsterdam using the international trains. I will be arriving at Schiphol airport at the time mentioned. At the airport, there is a Burger King restaurant with some seats. The seats are divided into two sections - smoking and non-smoking. I recommend that your representative sits at the Burger King in either the smoking or non-smoking section with a piece of card on the table with the words "HAND RELIEF" written in large letters. He will be easy to spot this way and I will have no trouble finding him. I presume this plan cannot fail as he will be arriving in Holland before myself.

When I arrive I will be wearing a pink suit and tie, carrying a pink briefcase. Consequently your representative will have absolutely no problems recognising me. If I cannot see him straight away I will sit in the non-smoking section of the Burger King.

If you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to let me know. The money is now ready and I am looking forward to handing it over so we can move on to the business of getting the animals arrived safely here.

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Compliment of the day. Our representative will be in Amsterdam by Friday evening from France. As soon as he arrived Amsterdam, he shall buy a phone-line in which we will give to you to enable you reach him and know his location. This will make both of you to get in touch with each other conveniently

Also you are to text me through my phone number 234-8057924236 I believe this will be easier for you.

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This is excellent news! Let me know the number as soon as he has it. I will be watching my e-mail constantly between now and Saturday so you will receive quick replies. 'Quick' Tug is always quick, like a cheetah!

I wish your representative a safe journey. If he has an e-mail address and will be accessing it from a laptop during his journey then let me know. I can always drop him a line. Must go now, I'm reading about a really interesting special offer on the back of a cereal packet - collect four tokens and pay ₤4.95 towards postage and you can get a cuddly toy from a children's television programme in the 1970s. I want to get some for my children, they look cute:

This one looks like Jimmy Saville, if you know him. I once broke my banjo string that connects the soft tissue of the hood to the main shaft and wrote to Jimmy asking him to fix it for me. Unfortunately he never did. Still, enough chat from me. Hope all is well for you in Nigeria right now?

Anyway, safe journey to Mr. Johnson and I will be checking my mail every half an hour between now and Saturday.

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Compliment of the day.Our representative just left Nigeria.We will be waiting for him to send us the number when he get to Amsterdem so that we can send it to you.Also try and call me here in Nigeria or give me a text message.

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Smashing to hear from you. Glad things have gone smoothly so far. I'm looking forward to getting the money bit out of the way – it’s always the hardest bit handing over the cash, but it will all be worth it once we have the animals and I’m telling you there will be so many happy children happy to see them in the animal park.

There is an orphanage nearby our animal park where some children who have had really tough lives live. My plan is to invite these children down in late December to give them a Christmas treat. Some of them have psychological problems because they have had such difficult lives, first losing their parents and then one even lost a watch that was water resistant to 200 metres. When I was a kid we had watches that were water resistant to only 50 metres. That thought haunts me every day.

The orphans will be so happy, Terry. If I’m lucky, while they’re distracted by the wombles, I might get to touch one of them. Oh, it’ll be a good day for all.

Anyway, enough from me. I am looking forward to receiving your colleagues textphone number. I will call you if you have a textphone. I think you might be confusing a textphone (which is a phone for the deaf or hard of hearing) with text messages (which are short messages sent between mobile phones). I don't own a mobile phone unfortunately, but here is an example of a textphone just to clear up any confusion: http://www.omnitor.se/eng/texttelefon_en.html.

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Goodmorning to you.We have got your mails some few minutes ago and we are pleased about it.Write to me as soon you arirved Amsterdem,Mr John Johnson will try his possible to locate you.Please be patience enough to wait for him. Hoping to hear from you soonest.

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That's good news. I will be leaving shortly to get to London Heathrow airport and will be arriving in Amsterdam Schiphol airport as stated around 15:30. The number you give me for Mr. Johnson (CENSORED) is a mobile number - a lot of Dutch mobile numbers begin +31 62* *** ***). As I explained, mobiles are no different to normal phones, you still have to talk into them and, due to being deaf, mobiles are no use to me so I've never owned one. By textphone I meant the small laptop-like phones that deaf people use.

Never mind, we will still meet as planned. When my flight arrives I will go to the Burger King and meet your colleague in the non-smoking section. There is only one Burger King and only one non-smoking section so things cannot go wrong. He should have a piece of card or paper with "HAND RELIEF" written clearly on it so I know it's him. I will be carrying the briefcase and wearing a pink suit as stated previously.

I must go now, I still have some things to pack and I am also fixing a puncture on the bicycle wheel of my neighbour's six-year old son. In return, I am expecting a quick feel of his little scrotum.

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Leaving for airport now. Got further than I expected with the neighbour's boy. Busted his ass till I thought he'd be crying my spunk. I guess I should have bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam, the police will be hunting me for sure after that.

Anyway, to make it easier for your colleague I've made a photo of me so you can see what I look like. I felt a pink suit might attract too much attention from the authorities so I toned it down a bit. I will be dressed exactly as in the photo below. Consequently I won’t be as obvious, but still you should be able to recognize me by my blue eyes and white shoes. I will also be carrying an emu – WARN YOUR COLLEAGUE!!!!! This emu is FUCKING violent!! He once got my cock in a vice-like grip while I was performing at a kid’s party and just fucking jerked me like mad until I shot my jism over the screaming children's faces. I did some time for that unfortunately.

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I have received your mail but the picture inside is not of that of your real self.That is the picture of late Rod Hull why a sudden change of plan.What exactly is going on.Get back to me as soon as possible.

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Am at Heathrow airport now checking mail in an internet cafe. There is no need to worry, no change of plan. The picture attached was Rod Hull, but I will be wearing exactly the same costume. This is to ensure your colleague will recognise me. I didn't have a photo of myself in the costume itself so attached the picture of Rod, who was actually a friend of mine before he got into television. Otherwise the plan remains exactly the same. Don't worry :-)

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Ok.Give me a mail as soon you arrive Amsterdem due to the fact that this last mail sent to me,i would not be able to give Mr John Johnson the information because i earlier told you he is not carrying any labtop with him.So please mail me as soon you arrived Amsterdem so that i can give him a call and give him the information.

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