First Flush, by Armitage Shanks

Dramatis Personae (The Cast)

Howells Uzoma
    Chairman of the Contract Awarding Committee of ECOWAS (a.k.a. the scammer)
James Willians
    Chairman of ECOWAS (the scammer again? Surely not!)
Musa Idris
    Remittance Director of the International Bank of Africa (guess who!)
Professor Armitage Shanks, WTF
    Me. A barking mad professor of Kidology


My comments are highlighted in blue - like this. I have binned hundreds of 419s in my time. After reading some of the excellent postings on the 419eater web site, I thought to myself, "Hmm. Monkey see, monkey do". So, Doctor Uzoma will get a reply from a barmy Professor.  I really thought the Kidology qualification, and the letters WTF (What The F***?) after my name might have put this mugu off, but no!

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 10, 2004 18:55:16 BST
To: howells_uu@zwallet.com
Subject: Re: INVESTMENT PROPOSAL

Doctor Uzoma,

While I was very surprised to receive your message, and do not normally do business without a direct intromission [Look that word up in a medical dictionary - this one's just for starters!], your proposition does have its attractions, and I would like to learn more. Even when my business is flushed with success, we can always accept more deposits.

Your etc.

Armitage Shanks, Professor of Kidology, WTF [Will he spot these rather silly giveaways?]

--
From the desk of:

Professor Armitage Shanks, WTF
Chief Executive Officer
Shanks & Smallhorse
Flushing Down
Pratt's Bottom
Kent
United Kingdom

-----Original Message-----
From: DR HOWELLS UZOMA [mailto:howells_uu@zwallet.com]
Sent: 10 July 2004 18:09
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: INVESTMENT PROPOSAL

FROM DR HOWELLS UZOMA
OFFICE OF THE CHAIRMAN
CONTRACT AWARDING COMMITTE
ECOWAS HEADQUARTERS
LOME,REPUBLIC OF TOGO

ATTN.

ACCOUNT PROVISION FOR USD10M

Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and if it might offend you without your prior consent and writing through this channel.

I am Dr Howells Uzoma,The Chairman, Contract Awarding Committee of the ECONOMIC COMMUNITY OF WEST AFRICAN STATES  (ECOWAS) with Headquarters in Lome, Togo. I got your information in a business directory from the Togolaise Chamber of Commerce and Industries when I was searching for a reliable,honest and trustworthy person to entrust this business with.I was simply inspired and motivated to pick your contact
from the many names and lists in the directory.

After discussing my view and your profile with my colleagues,they were very much satisfied and decided to contact you immediately for this mutual business relationship.We wish to transfer the sum of USD10,000,000.00 (TEN Million United States Dollars only.)into your personal or company`s bank account.

This fund was a residue of the over invoiced contract bills awarded by us for the supply of ammunitions, hard/soft wares,phamaceauticals/medical items,light and heavy duty vehicles, apperals and other administrative logistics etc for the ECOMOG in Sierria-Leone and Liberia during the Peace Keeping Projects.

This DEAL was deliberately hatched out and carefully protected with all the attendant lope holes sealed off.As the Chairman of CAC,I have the cooperation and mandate of the Financial Director and the Secretary of the Organisation.We arranged and over invoiced the contract funds supplied by different companies from different countries during the crisis.

It was our consensus to seek the assistance of a willing foreigner to provide us with the facilities to transfer this money out of West Africa.This is borne out of our beleif in the non-stable and sporous political nature of this sub-region.

The original contractors have been duely paid by the Banque Centrale Des Etats De L`Afrique De L`Ouest (Central Bank of the West African States)through our bankers-Societe Generale Banque.This balance is suspended in the escrow accounts awaiting claims by any foreign company of our choice.We intend to pay out this fund NOW as the organisation is winding up its activities since the aim of returning PEACE to the countries and the coast has been achieved.

Based on the laws and ethics of employment,we as civil servants working under this organisation, are not allowed to operate a foreign account.This is the more reason why we needed your assistance to provide an account that can sustain this fund for safe keeping and our future investment with your comprehensive advise,assistance and partnership in your country.

It is however agreed,as the account owner in this deal to allow you 30% of the entire sum as compensation, 65% will be held on trust for us while 5% will be used to defray any incidental charges and cost during the course of the transaction.

This transaction will be successfully concluded within 14 days if you accord us your unalloyed and due cooperation.You should provide the followings;

YOUR COMPANY`S NAME WITH COMPLETE ADDRESS,TEL
AND FAX NUMBERS.(if available)

THE NAME OF YOUR BANK,ITS ADDRESS WITH TEL,FAX
AND TELEX NUMBERS.

THE ACCOUNT NUMBER

THE COMPLETE MAILING ADRRESS OF THE BENEFICIARY
WITH TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS.

Upon the receipt of this informations,the documents and approval with the texts will be sent to you for confirmaton and then forwarded to the organisation for ratification and subsequent payment.

As with the case of all organised (sensitive)and conspired DEALS,we solicit for your unreserved confidentiality and utmost secret in this business. We hope to retire peacefully and lead a honourable business life afterwards.There are no risks involved.

REPLY ASAP.
With regards.
Dr Howells Uzoma
Tel: +228 9037431

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And more of the usual bollocks followed.

From: howells uzoma <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Date: July 12, 2004 02:38:05 BST
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: Read and respond soonest

Dear Professor Armitage Shanks,

Greetings,Thanks For Your E-Mail Response,Please These Fund We are Talking About Is An Over Invoiced Contract Sum Left By Our Predecessors Meant To Be Paid To Contractors,Because Of The Inflated Rate or Interest They were Approving Per Every Payment To The Contactors they are Paying That Made Them To Accrue Some Additional Fund To This Magnitude,But Because Of Unexpected Resholvement Of Their Offices,Most Of Them Where Retired And Paid,So When We Assumed Office We Met This Floating Fund,And Upon Our Thorough Investigation We Discovered That The Fund In Context Has Been Approved For Payment To an Unmentioned Contractor,While On The Other Side The Original Contractors Has All Been Paid,But Because of The Former Contractors Where all Foreigners Without The Presence Of Any Local Contractor,This Propelled Me To Contact You To Assist Us In The Already Approved Fund due for Transfer To Your Nominated Bank Account So That After The Successful Fund Transfer We Shall Come Over To Meet With You For The Fund Disbursement.

So In Essence As Soon as You Forward Your Banking Details and Address,We Shall Forward Your Name To The Ecowas Body As The Fund Recepient,So That The Ecowas Body Will Approve Your Name Immediately and Forward To The Paying Bank For Fund Remittance,So The Paying Bank Has To Now Place Contact To You For Notification and Procedures For Your Due To Be Released Fund as Being Approved and Forwarded To Them By The Ecowas Body.

So After This Contact The Fund Will Be Transfered By The Bank To Your Nominated Bank Account,Honestly Upon Your Swift Compliance To My Instruction,And Your Maintaince Of Strict Confidentiality I Will Assure You That The Whole Transaction and Fund Transfer To You Will Not Take More Than 9Working Days.And Most Importantly The Transaction is Risk Free as We are Here Monitoring And Controlling Everything With The Ecowas Body Until The Fund Leaves To The Paying Bank With Our Instruction That The Bank Should Pay You.

I Look Forward To Your Urgent Response,

Best Regards,

Dr Howells Uzoma
Tel: +228 9037431

I replied, setting the tone for most of my subsequent communications. Rambling garbage and Latin. And why not?

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 12, 2004 10:18:45 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Subject: Re: Read and respond soonest

Dear Doctor Uzoma,

I am currently on a round-the-world lecturing tour, being much in demand for my expertise in WTF, which could also be interpeted as World Trade Freedom. But in this age of automagical technology and the easy forwarding and backwarding of e-mail, I am easily in contact with my home ground, or terra cotta as we students of Latin would say. However, insofar as telephonic communication goes at the moment, it doesn't go so far. Even though being difficultly itinerant, I'm still very interested in your proposition and appreciate the unusual quality of your missives.

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum (which means "I wish you all you deserve!"),
Armitage Shanks

Er, no. That last bit actually means "Screw you and the horse you rode in on!" And he replies:

From: howells uzoma <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Date: July 14, 2004 01:55:07 BST
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: confirm

Dear Professor Armitage Shanks,

Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,However What You should Do Right Away is To Confirm to me The Name You Wish To Receive The Funds With,Including Your Nominated Bank Account and The Banking Details i.e Telephone,Fax and Name and Address Of The Bank,On The Other Hand You Need To Confirm Your Mailing Address.

I Look Forward To Your Compliance To These Directives To Enable Me Forward Your Name For Payment Approval.

Regards,

Doctor Uzoma.

Well, the good doctor knows no Latin. Let's pile on the insults, and the garbage.

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 14, 2004 08:12:41 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Subject: Re: confirm

Dear Doctor Uzoma I Presume,

As I have said passim and frequenter, I am on a world lecturing tour, so will not be picking up mail or anything else communicable or notifiable at my business address for multos annos, I am rather perplexed by your asking for it. This because I have my mailing address put on every mail I send, and you must have seen it three times by now. So I must say "Podex Perfectus Es" [You are a complete arsehole!], which means you are a very thorough and honest worker.

Mirabile dictu I do have some details for my company's bank, and these I can relate.

Royal Bank of Sealand
5 The Row
Sealand 1001

Account: Shanks and Smallhorse Large Deposits

The bank is offshore in order to avoid the taxes and other ardua of city life. I never telephone them, because it is unfortunate that I have a morbid phobia of telephonic irrigation, and so have conducted all business with them via intermediaries and internets.

Their e-mail address is royalbank@sealandgov.org, and my personal contact, who is reputed to be a real "Merchant Banker", is Monsieur Jean-Michel Sporn.

I hope this all finds you as it leaves me.

In vino veritas,
Armitage

None of that seems to faze him, even the mythical Bank of Sealand, because he comes back with the following, twice.

From: howells uzoma <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Date: July 14, 2004 14:08:09 BST
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: regards

Dear Good Friend,

Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,However I wish To Let You Know that I am in Receipt Of Your E-Mail and The Banking detail Information,However I Will Proceed To Submit Them To The Necessary Authorities today,For Approval of your Name For Payment,So As Soon as They Contact You Kindly Notify Me.

I Will Look Forward To Your Positive Response Upon There Contact To You.

Regards,

Dr Uzoma.

Time for an acknowledgement, another insult and some more garbage.

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 14, 2004 16:26:58 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Subject: Re: regards

Dear Learned Doctor,

How joyful it was to get your message, even though it came twice - unusual! I am gratified that you seem to be really on my case, in fact "caput tuum in ano est" - you really hit the nail on the head [well no, what I said was "Your head is up your arse!"] and justify my confidence in a "podex perfectus" such as your goodself. I'll be waiting with baited breath for your authorities to contact me.

Nulla mensa sine impensa [There's no such thing as a free lunch!],
Armitage

Two interesting documents arrive, from one lexically challenged James Willians, who apparently can't spell his own name.

From: james willians <ecowas_chairman@yahoo.com>
Date: July 19, 2004 20:54:02 BST
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THE DOCUMENT 1

ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THE DOCUMENT

and then

From: james willians <ecowas_chairman@yahoo.com>
Date: July 19, 2004 20:59:05 BST
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2

ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2

Here are the two fakes. The word contract was spelled 'contrat' - the French way - on both. And the "Mickey Mouse" forgeries were SO convincing!

Contract Award

and then


Contract Completion

So armed with these totally wonderful fakes, I replied to Willians.

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 20, 2004 10:08:37 BST
To: "james willians" <ecowas_chairman@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF DOCUMENT 2

Dear Sir,

I have no idea who you are, but I think we both know one person. If we don't, then I'm not the Professor of Kidology I think I am. Which I am. I hereby and with the full force of "vescere bracis meis" [Eat my shorts!] acknowledge receipt of two (2) documents.

What happens next?

Lagunculae Leydianae non accedunt [Batteries not included],
Armitage Shanks, Professor, WTF

I also decided to kick Uzoma into action. I asked him who Willians was, but at least I could spell his name properly.

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 20, 2004 20:09:43 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Subject: Re: regards

Dear Learned Doctor,

I recently received two contract documents from a Mr James Williams. Is he one of yours? I hope so.
Anyway, it looked like a postive response, so ---

Vescere bracis meis and let's go for it!

Armitage

I got this back two days later

From: howells uzoma <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Date: July 22, 2004 02:02:09 BST
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: Contact Him and update me

Dear Armitage,

Greetings,Thanks For Your Kind Response,Infact James Williams is the ECOWAS PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER,Since He Has Contacted You What You Should Do Now is to contact the International Bank Of Africa and Notify Them Of Your Payment.

Write as Follows;

TO:
  INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
  OFFICE OF THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR
  MR MUSA IDRIS.
  LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO.
  PHONE: +228-902-8213.
  FAX:   +228-226-5981.
  E-MAIL: m_idris@financier.com

  SIR,

      RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE.
      _______________________________________

I WISH TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO MY CONTRACT PAYMENT DUELY APPROVED BY THE ECOWAS,THEREFORE IT WILL PLEASE ME FOR YOU TO HAVE MY BANKING DETAILS AS STATED BELOW,AS A RECONFIRMATION FOR THE FUND REMITTANCE.

........................

.........................

I WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED IF MY REQUEST IS GRANTED.

SINCERELY YOURS,

PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.

So I sent off some crap about the imaginary Royal Bank of Sealand, to the presumably equally imaginary International Bank of Africa

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 22, 2004 07:35:51 BST
To: m_idris@financier.com
Subject: RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE

  INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
  OFFICE OF THE REMITTANCE DIRECTOR
  MR MUSA IDRIS.
  LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO.

  SIR,

      RE:PAYMENT APPLICATION/FUND REMITTANCE.
      _______________________________________

I WISH TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO MY CONTRACT PAYMENT DUELY APPROVED
BY THE ECOWAS,THEREFORE IT WILL PLEASE ME FOR YOU TO HAVE MY BANKING
DETAILS AS STATED BELOW,AS A RECONFIRMATION FOR THE FUND REMITTANCE.

Royal Bank of Sealand
5 The Row
Sealand 1001

Special named account: Shanks and Smallhorse Large Deposits

I WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED IF MY REQUEST IS GRANTED.

SINCERELY YOURS,

NULLA MENSA SINE IMPENSA [Still no free lunches, then?],
PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.

They got back to me very quickly.

From: "musa idris" <m_idris@financier.com>
Date: July 22, 2004 19:28:57 BST
To: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION

ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.

WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND AS SUCH ARE PROCESSING YOUR INFORMATION,PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US WE SHALL GET BACK TO YOU BY TOMORROW FOR ADVISE.

REGARDS,

MR MUSA IDRIS.

REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.

I copied in Uzoma - as though he didn't know already, because he sent it. I decided to get anxious, too.

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 22, 2004 21:27:04 BST
To: "howells uzoma" <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Subject: Fw: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION

Dear Friend, Doctor and Podex Perfectus ["complete arsehole", remember?],

Things seem to be moving. I thought you might like to see the mail I just got.

But are you really sure that this deal is legal, above board, and as we scholars say, testes canis [The Dog's Bollocks]?

I'm getting a bit concerned.

In vino veritas,
Armitage

----- Original Message -----
From: "musa idris" <m_idris@financier.com>
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 2004 13:28:57 -0500
To: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Subject: ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION

ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.

WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND AS SUCH ARE PROCESSING YOUR INFORMATION,PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US WE SHALL GET BACK TO YOU BY TOMORROW FOR ADVISE.

REGARDS,

MR MUSA IDRIS.

REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.

He assures me it is all completely "testes canis", but not in those words, of course!

From: howells uzoma <howells_uu@zwallet.com>
Date: July 25, 2004 23:14:44 BST
To: xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com
Subject: MY ADVICE

Dear Friend,
Greetings and thank you for your mail, With regards to your mail, I write to confirm to you that this transaction is legal, Because of my position here i will not involve myself in any transaction that is illegal, moreover this transaction is backed up with legal documents
Finally if the bank contact you do confirm to me immediately for advice.

Dr Howells

Then it went very quiet for over four days. Has he cottoned on? Obviously not, because Idris finally got back to me. I thought he said "tomorrow". Lazy bugger!

From: "musa idris" <m_idris@financier.com>
Date: July 29, 2004 05:07:04 BST
To: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Subject: PROVIDE US WITH INCORPORATION CERTIFICATE


ATTN:PROFESSOR ARMITAGE SHANKS.

WE WISH TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY CONCLUDED OUR VERIFICATION AS REGARDS YOUR PAYMENT APPLICATION,AND WE WILL SATISFACTORILY REMIT YOUR FUND WITHOUT HITCH,AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE YOUR CERTIFICATE OF INCORPORATION DUELY REGISTERED HERE IN LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO,BECAUSE IT WILL BE REQUESTED BY OUR FORIGN AFFAIRS MINISTRY AS AN EVIDENCE OF PERMISSION TO EXECUTE CONTRACT WITHIN THIS SHORES,BEFORE YOUR FUND WILL BE REMITTED TO YOU.

BUT IF BY ANY WAY YOU DO NOT POSES THE SAID CERTIFICATE,YOU ARE ADVISED TO SORT FOR THE CONTACT OF A BANK ACCREDITED ATTORNEY HERE IN LOME REPUBLIC OF TOGO,TO SECURE ONE FOR YOU,AND SUBMIT IT TO US ON YOUR BEHALF FOR US TO REMIT YOUR CONTRACT FUND TO YOU WITHOUT DELAY.

WE CONGRATULATE YOU FOR THIS DEVELOPMENT WHILE AWAITING YOUR SWIFT COMPLIANCE TO OUR REQUEST.

REGARDS,

MR MUSA IDRIS.

REMITTANCE DIRECTOR.

I have now become rather bored with this. I can see the scam coming, but am not prepared to spend a lot of time following this one through as I'm about to go on holiday! So I sent him a "Dear Mugu" letter. But just to make sure this "mugu togolais" understands, I explained it all to him in French and in English.

From: "Armitage Shanks" <xxxxxxxxx@lycos.com>
Date: July 29, 2004 08:38:29 BST
To: howells_uu@zwallet.com
Subject: Fw: PROVIDE US WITH INCORPORATION CERTIFICATE

Mon p’tit con,

J’écris ce dernier mot en français et en anglais, dans l’espoir que tu vas comprendre l’un ou l’autre.

Je peux prédire l’avenir. Voyons. Je t’envoie le courriel que je viens de recevoir d’Idris. Tu me recommandes un juriste digne de confiance. Il fournira le certificat requis, mais il y aura des droits à percevoir. Je serai convaincu de lui payer, en espèces. Ensuite il y aura d’autres droits, à plusieurs reprises. Je ne vais jamais recevoir de l’argent. Est-ce que je peux prédire l’avenir ? Et Uzoma, Idris et le juriste. Ils sont la même personne ? Sans doute. Penses-tu que je suis né de la dernière pluie ?

Lorsque ton premier courriel est arrivé, j’ai bien compris plusieurs choses. D’abord qu’il n’y avait jamais de dollars, ni dix millions, ni dix. Deuxièmement que tu es un menteur et un voleur, et que tu n’es pas de tout efficace dans l’un rôle ou l’autre. Et finalement que ce serait bien si je puisse te faire perdre du temps et te faire passer pour un idiot devant un large public

Donc j’ai inventé le pseudonyme Armitage Shanks, et je me suis nommé professeur de «kidology». «Kidology» - la science de charrier et de faire croire à quelqu’un que des choses ridicules sont absolument vraies.

Tous mes courriels étaient parsemés des mots grotesques et des locutions en latin. Peut-être tu as pensé que tous les profs écrivent ainsi. Tu n’as pas eu raison ! Beaucoup des locutions étaient ou insultantes ou simplement bizarres.

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum = Va te faire foutre ainsi que ton propre cheval !

Podex perfectus es = T’es un trou du cul total !

Caput tuum in ano est = Ta tête est dans ton cul !

Lagunculae Leydianae non accederunt = Piles non comprises

Testes canis = les couilles du chien

Nulla mensa sine impensa = Un déjeuner n’est jamais vraiment gratuit = On ne fait jamais rien pour rien

Vescere bracis meis =  Mâche mon short  !

Mon pseudonyme – Armitage Shanks. Tu n’as jamais vu cette marque de fabrique sur les réservoirs de chasse d’eau et les cuvettes ? Dommage !

La banque «Royal Bank of Sealand» n’a jamais existée. Sealand et un pays tout à fait imaginaire, mais on peut le trouver sur l’internet. Pour ton édification, «Merchant Banker» veut dire «banquier d’affaires», mais est aussi un terme d’un argot britannique, consistant à remplacer un mot par une locution qui rime, et veut dire «branleur» en français !

Donc, adieu et bon débarras !
Armitage Shanks, WTF (WTF = Qu’est que ça peut foutre ?)

and once more, this time in English

Little fool,

I am writing this final note in French and English, in the hope you are going to understand one or the other.

I can predict the future. Let’s see. I send you the mail I just received from Idris. You recommend to me a reliable lawyer. He will provide the necessary certificate, for a fee. I will be persuaded to pay him, in cash. Then there will be more fees, again and again. I am never going to receive any money. Can I predict the future? Are Uzoma, Idris and the lawyer the same person? Without doubt! Do you think I was born yesterday?

When your first e-mail arrived, I understood several things well. Firstly, that there were never any dollars, not ten million, not ten. Secondly, that you are a liar and a thief, and not very good in either role. And lastly that it would be good if I were to make you waste your time and to look like an idiot in front of a large audience.

So I invented the nickname Armitage Shanks, and called myself a professor of kidology. Kidology – the science of teasing and of making somebody believe that absurd things are absolutely true.

All my e-mails were peppered with ridiculous words and Latin phrases. Perhaps you thought that all academics write like that. You were wrong! Many of the phrases were either insulting or simply bizarre.

Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum = Screw you and the horse you rode in on!

Podex perfectus es = You are a complete arsehole!

Caput tuum in ano est = Your head is up your arse!

Lagunculae Leydianae non accederunt = Batteries not included

Testes canis = The dog’s bollocks!

Nulla mensa sine impensa = There’s no such thing as a free lunch

Vescere bracis meis = Eat my shorts !

My nickname – Armitage Shanks. You’ve never seen that trademark on cisterns and toilet bowls?  Shame!

The Royal Bank of Sealand never existed. Sealand is an imaginary country, but you can find it on the internet. For your information, Merchant Banker does mean “banquier d’affaires”, but is also a term in British rhyming slang, and means wanker.

So, goodbye and good riddance,
Armitage Shanks, WTF  (What the f**k?)



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