The Scam

My name is as Maria Khumalo, the wife of Mr. Daniel Khumalo from the republic of Zimbabwe. It might be a surprise to you where i got your contact address. I got your contact from the South Africa Chamber of Commerce in Johannesburg. During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supporters of our President Robert Mugabe, in his effort to chase all the whit farmers out of the country, he ordered all the white farmers to surrender their farms to his party members and his followers. My husband, was one of the best andsuccessful farmers in our country and formerly the Finance Minister of Robert Mugabe administration, but he did not support the idea of dispossessing the white farmers of their and. Because of this, his farm was invaded and burnt by government supporters. In the course of the attack, my husband was killed, and the invaders made away with a lot of items from my fathers farm. And our family house was utterly destroyed. My husband died too out of heart attack. he drew my attention to the sum of US$15.5 MILLION, Which he deposited with a security company in South Africa during his tenure as the Finance Minister of Zimbabwe. My son and I decided to move out of Zimbabwe for our own security, because our lives were in danger. We decided to move to the Republic of South Africa where my father deposited this money. Till date, the security company is not aware of the content of the consignment because my husband used his diplomatic immunity as at that time to deposit the consignment as important personal valuables. I decided to have contact with overseas person/firm who will assist me to move the money out of South Africa. This becomes necessary because as political asylum seekers, we are not allowed to own or operate a bank account. If you accept this proposal, you shall receive 25% of the entire amount for assisting us to move this money out, 70% of this amount shall be for us, and the remaining 5% shall be mapped out for expenses incurred in the course of the transaction. As soon as i get your response, I will give you more details on how we can proceed. Thanks for your anticipated cooperation. Urgent response waited.

Send me a picture


Hello Maria

It's lovely to hear from you, before I send you any information, can you send me a picture to prove you are who you say you are? I don't want to go giving my details to any old fajita!

Love

Phil Lowe Esq

Im not looking for love

Dear phil,

I cannot send my picture to you until i am conviced that we are in business. I am not looking for love in the internet, this is business. If you are interested just give me your to call you.

maria

Deaf and Dumb

Maria

Im not looking for love, how do I know you are who you say you are you approached me! I do not have a telephone as I am deaf Prove to me you are genuine and you are who you say you are and I will look into this arrangement with yourself, it sure is a lot of money!!

She's here!


Dear phil,

please down load and you will see me. however, i have given all the document concerning this transaction my my adviser and he need your fax number so that he can send it you as well for your confirmation.

Waiting for your reply.

maria

Fancy a Pizza?


Maria

You are a very attractive woman, maybe if we do business we could meet up to celebrate, There is a pizza hut just down the road from me id like to take you there. So tell me a bit more about this deal, is it negotiable? could i get arrested? have you got a husband?
I look forward to hearing from you

What about pizza?


Dear phil,

sorry that i could get back to you soon. I was not feeling too well. Why would i put in trouble or for you to get arrested. I told you that there is no risk invovled. I have hired an adviser and given him all the documents that is involved in this transcation so he will protect us as well. Please send your fax number so that he can send to you all the necessary document or make contact with you.
Regards maria

My Friend Has A Combine Harvester


Maria

im afraid I do not have a Fax number, is there any other way? Who is the advisor? is he in England? maybe i could meet him for a coffee or a pizza I have been thinking about your predicament, is there any other alternatives? If we were to get married in your country I could find a way of getting you into England We could buy a farm, my friend has a combine harvester I hope you take my idea seriously, I can picture it now... me and you sat in a tractor ploughing the fields it would be great fun
Let me know what you think

My New Sister


Dear Phil,

Thanks for your email and full confidence in me. I had a meeting with the banker, who is going to assist us in this transaction; he said that it is important for you to visit South Africa for the conclusion of this transaction. I would like to assure you that I have made up my mind to conclude this transaction with . However, this gentleman will assist us with every banking requirement for a smooth transfer of this money to your overseas account. This bank official would have helped me to transfer this money long ago but that could not be possible because he said I would need to open a non-resident investment account here in South Africa where the money would be paid in before being transferred abroad. I cannot open this account because of my status as a refugee. In this regard, the bank official advised me to look for a good and reliable foreigner who would come to South Africa and assist me to open this non-resident investment account. That is why I have solicited for your assistance and I hope that you will be kind enough to come down to South Africa soonest for this transaction. It is true we have not meet nor known each other but I want you to take me as your blood sister who needs help and you should see this business as the start of a long-lasting relationship which will extend to our families. I trust that you will be kind and straight forward in this business. Itís the only hope that I have got now to survive, that is the more reason I mapped out this 25% of the total money for your assistance so that you will not tamper with my own share of the money when the money gets into your overseas bank account. You will also direct me on how to invest my part of the money when we safely arrive in your country. On the conclusion of this business, I want to use my own share of the money for investment in your country and also go into good and profitable business for the future sustenance of my family. Based on the above explanation and in consideration of the short time frame in which I want us to conclude this transaction, I will be happy if you can arrange and come down to South Africa for us to have a round table discussion about this business, and for you to open the non-resident investment account in any of the commercial bank here, which will be highly essential for the conclusion of this transaction. Be informed that once you arrive and we get the money transferred into your account overseas, my son will go back with you to your country for the disbursement of the money (UUS$15.5M) and to start a business investment and also make arrangements for me to come over, once you receive this message, contact me for more explanation so we will proceed to conclude this business. Remember it is important that you keep all information about this business to yourself for us to achieve full success in this transaction.
Wishing you the best in all you do.

Best regard
MRS MARIA KHUMALO
(For the Family)

Incest


Maria (sis)

I take it you didnt like the idea of marriage, I suppose with you being my sister that is no longer possible, unless Incest is something that appeals to you? Before I agree to anything I want to see a picture of your son (my nephew) I need assurance that I am in safe hands after all we are family! Maybe if we do this quickly you and the family could come over for xmas dinner? Does your son speak perfect english too? We have been talking about this for a while now and gradually over the last few weeks i think we have become good friends,perhaps more, As we are now practically family I want 40% , the money is to be divided into separate bank accounts in 5 different countries, I will make arrangements for this but first you must agree When our transaction is complete I am going to buy a farm in Leeds, you can come and visit when ever you like
From Phil
(The Brother) Peace

Invasion of the veterans


Dear Phil,

† Thanks for the mail and your sincerity of heart to see that we invest this fund in a proper way after concluding this business. You should understand what happened to me and my family before we came to South Africa, infact during the period of hostile land reforms in Zimbabwe my husband was one of the few rich black farmers who opposed the Mugabeís system of taking over the lands, which resulted into invading into our farms by the so called veterans. It was due to this problem that led us into running into South Africa as asylum seekers for the sake of our lives since my husband has been brutally assassinated by the Mugabe loyalists. This particular fund was for buying of machineries for our farms in Swaziland and Lesotho, it was during this turbulence that made him to lodge the aforesaid consignment in a security and Facility Company for safe keeping pending when everything will be resolved in our country, and unfortunately he was killed in Zimbabwe upon his return, by the veterans. It is in this light that I want you to act as my foreign partner; for you to come to South Africa to meet and plan with me, having in mind the importance of your mission, bear in mind that as refugees we are not allowed to transact any monetary transaction and we can not travel out, that is why I want you to come. † On your arrival here you are going to open an account in any commercial bank here where the fund will be deposited for onward remittance into your nominated account in your country, have it in mind that the security company does not know the actual contents of the box, it was declared as family treasure/valuables belonging to our foreign partner, this was done for security reasons. † This transaction will only take three days to finalize, from the day of your arrival in the country. Please do confirm to me the actual day of your departure from your country, to enable me notify the security company of the actual date of collection and delivery. As it is now you are my brother until we conclude to avoid clash of interest, moreover my son speaks perfect English, he was still in school when all hell broke loose, and you will see my son when you come. † My problem now is to secure this fund well for our mutual benefit and I expect you to acknowledge the 25% percent offered to you in return for helping and fronting for my family. It is up to you to do whatever you want with your share, itís your own. † Please make adequate plans to come quickly as we are not comfortable and happy with the way we live here. Send a copy of your identification document for me to know whom am dealing with.
† Thanks and I await your response.

Yours truly

Mrs Maria Khumalo

Could I be Bummed


Maria

I am deeply saddend by the loss of your combine harvester, I am a little concerned about this trip? is there a good chance i could get bummed on arrival? ive heard that happens a lot in south africa, can you let me know what is required to float the non resident account? do I have to pay this in before I set off? maybe i could send you a cheque for it? you let me know and ill get it sorted I have attached some ID, as you didnt specify what ID you required I have attached an old army card, I am no longer in the army but this proves who I am If you require anything else please let me know


Bummed by the Insiders


Dear Phil,

Thanks for the mail and the identification document, which I think, is a little bit scary to me, however I will still like you to send to me a copy of your international passport document for my personal reference. There is no way you can be bummed, people who get bummed are bummed by the insiders who know exactly what is going on with them, bear in mind that this is a tourist country and since my arrival here as a refugees I have not been bummed or experienced such things, bad things only happen to bad people who are attracted to it in spirit, in our own case I assume that you and my family are the only people who knows what you are coming to do here with us and we intend to keep that way until our meeting with you in your hotel room. According to the banker who will help to open and activate the account in any of the banks here, says that a non-resident account can be opened with $300:00 dollars, but after opening the account he says that we will need to activate/deposit at least $20,000:00 dollars in the account before depositing the main money which is $15,500:000:00.to avoid raising eyebrows as a new account during deposition and remittance. I donít want any upfront money from you, it is better that you come with the money by yourself and see how the money will be used for all the intended purpose. I went to the security and Facility Company to inform them about my plans of collecting the family valuables by my foreign partner and I was told that my statement of account will be ready by tomorrow to ascertain what will be done before collection and delivery, but from my own view I think I have some little outstanding payment to pay them for the safekeeping as agreed in the depository documents signed with my late husband. So I expect you to forward your traveling schedule to me, to enable me make a hotel reservation for you in a very suitable hotel where we can have ourselves and discuss about our investment.
Thanks and await your response

Yours sincerely

Mrs. Maria Khumalo

je ne ce boff


Dearest Maria,

I'm so pleased about the bumming - it's such a terrible thing to be on the receiving end of a vicious bumming, it happened to me back in nam, it is something that I have never recovered from. Unfortunately the earliest I can fly to your country is 1 week from today (25th Sept). I will fly to Johannesburg from London Heathrow . However, before I book my flight I need to know how many days should I stay? You say you can make me a hotel reservation - I would like one that has complimentary shower caps, a minibar and a Corby trouser press if possible - these show that the hotel has a particular 'je ne ce boff' which I like. Will we be alone in the hotel? I would like that a lot - I haven't been alone with a woman for many years on account of the injury I suffered with the award winning cucumber, the ferret and the nipple clamps. I have made available the £20,300 funds to cillit bang Chelsea nasty bra deposit in the account. I do not know how to send you my passport document as it is a lovely little leatherbound book and I cannot copy it easily - can you tell me how to do it?
Genitles,

Phil Lowe

Make you feel like a man


Dear Phil,

Received is your mail and all the contents well noted and understood. I am sorry for the bumming experience which you said you heard in Nam. and wishing you a speedy recovery from that incident. Like I told you in my previous correspondence with you, this business will Only take three working days to finish, from the day of your arrival in Johannesburg.
That means I will have to book a five star hotel that will accommodate me and you, as I donít want any interference during our discussion proper, and please can you tell me what you mean by ďje ne Ce boff'Ē if you donít mind?
Yes we will be alone on the condition that we will finish our business before we can get into any kind of man to woman relationship, as soon as I meet you, I tell you all the problems you have because of the injury will disappear as I will treat and make you feel like a real man.
The money is not for me, it is for the upgrading and activation of the account Which you are expected to open with the help of the banker in any bank here on your arrival.
Go and scan the passport and send to me as I want to know the man that I am Supposedly going to spend the rest of my existence with as will like to know Feel you before your arrival.
Do send me your flight schedule to enable me make the Hotel reservation and issue out instructions to the hotel for your transportation to the hotel. Have it in mind that you are coming strictly to my family for the execution of This project which I want you to act as our partner and will like to keep it this Way until we conclude.
Thanks and hoping to see you soon.

Mange tout Rodney, mange tout


Maria

I am so excited by all this I have had sex wee in my pants, I know this might seem a bit forward but if everything goes through fine and we get in to a relationship is it a possibility that I could bum you? Since the punishment my ass received back in nam its been something I have always wanted to give back, I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time to change the future for one lucky lady! Je ne ce boff means Mange tout Rodney, mange tout. I've seen some beautiful Fendi brogues in 'Numťro', a French fashion magazine I bought at the airport the other day. I am sending you a picture of myself, so you can see me for who I am, I hope you like me its been a while since I had some flange It's time for me to boom boom with the bridesmaids, cuz I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and I'm gonna rock out with my cock out! I want you to send me a pic of yourself, I dont mean a document with a picture on i mean a real picture I want to see the real maria khumalo So, will the real Khumalo please stand up? And put one of those fingers on each hand up? And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?
I am booking the flight on friday, before i do this I want that picture, if i am going to spend £1000 on flights aswell as emptying my bank account to pay 20K into a foreign account I want to see who I am doing business with! when I receive that you will get a copy of my passport and my flight schedule curly black and kinky mixed with yellow chinky
Back of the net

Phil Lowe

I can be bummed of this money


Dear Phil,

Compliments of the day! I got your mail with a lot of uncertainties about your real motive of assisting me in this business, before I thought you are just playing around like most men do, but now I can see that you are taking more than required in this business relationship. Have it in mind that you will surly be with me on your arrival, why be in such a hurry in having me? I am an African woman with dignity and honor and I can only do this with you because itís been long since I last saw a man and you are just about the only man that have been opportune to speak to me about sex after my husbandís death.
First of all, I do believe and know that I can be bummed of this money after transferring it into your account in your country, that is why we will sign a binding agreement on your arrival here that will be legible legally in Africa and Europe this bind us together in this transaction to avoid any kind of misunderstanding in the future.
I have been asking you about your passport document for sometime now and you never obliged to my request, now you are giving me condition before you send a copy of it to me, now declare your stand in this business as I donít have such time to waste now, all I want is a genuine man with the right intentions, if you will not come because I did not give you my picture then you can forget about everything as i am not desperate and I donít want to be bummed of my money or be used as a sex toy as I am from a dignified home and I donít like such overstretched talk about man and woman relations.
Thanks and declare your stand.
Yours sincerely

Maria Khumalo Mrs.

yes i want to bum you


Maria

I am deeply shocked at your outburst, I am risking my life, my future and my friends to start this new life with you and our family, you have to understand 20k is a lot of money for someone like me, if anything goes wrong i will lose everything. all I ask for is one picture of you, to prove to me that you are genuine, if i am to risk everything and start a new life with my new family, the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. the bottom line maria is if you want this deal to go ahead send me a picture and i will press ahead with my plans and book a flight on friday yes i want to bum you , and bum you very hard, but thats natural, you think a man my age can get regular bum fun? think again maria
I dont see you as a sex toy I see you as a business partner so Let's get down to business I don't got no time to play around with this diss Must be a circus in town that shut the shit down On these clowns, and I gotta witness
I look forward to hearing from you Maria, dont mess this up we have an opportunity to do something big here, I am looking forward to meeting up with you and your brother I'm so excited and I just can't hide i tI'm about to lose control and I think I like it I'm so excited and I just can't hide it And I know I know I know I know I know I want you
Speak soon

Peace out

Phil

relax your mind about the bumimg


Dear Phil,

I hope you can now relax your mind about the bumimg having in mind that you will get enough of the bum from me. I don't have any brother or sister here ,all i have is my children and this fund.
So it's time you send me your passport copy and your flight schdule.
Thanks and God bless.

Yours sincerely

Maria Mrs.

you gotta make the money first


dearest maria

How are things sweetcheeks?

attached is a copy of my passport, I am planning on booking a flight for this friday, when is best for you? you will need to get my hotel booked for my arrival, how long will i need to stay to conclude the transaction? i want at least a day of dry bumming so this will need to be taken into consideration, I would also like complimentary lotus biscuits and twinnings tea in the hotel room I cant send you a flight schedule until you have provided me with this information in this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. Are we going to get married after the business is complete? i will look after you on my farm, your family could come oer too, the barn is very comfy, apart from the 50 chickens its very quiet, I look forward to hearing from you

I am ready to bum you


Dear Phil,

Received is your mail and a copy of your passport. This very transaction will only take three days to finalise from the of your arrival into the country.
I would like you to be here as soon as possible as I have to pay for the safe keeping of these valuables each month and i am presently owing $7,500:00 dollars to the security company as demurrages and we have to pay this charges before the valuables can be released to us, this according to the statement of account issued to me on Monday after notification of collection was made by myself. So bear in mind that we can only have access to this fund after retrieval and you are expected to make urgent plans to come with the needed money totalling $27,500:00 dollars which includes money for the floating and activation of the account where it will deposit and transferred from to your overseas account.
I have made the reservations for you and the hotel shuttle service will be picking you from the airport as their customer with your name written on a placard at the arrival hall. I will have to see you first physically before I can decide whether I will marry you after the business or whether we will just do business only.
It is left for you to forward your flight schedule to me for the hotel to be ready for your picking. Do not worry about your bumming as I am ready to bum you, unless if you are not fit enough to bum.
Every dollar you are spending for this business will be paid back immediately we retrieve these valuables from the security company on your arrival. You told me sometime that you are deaf, how are we going to communicate here when you arrive?
Thanks

Yours Truly

Maria Khumalo

Back in Nam


Maria

What is all this about you bumming me? there is only one person getting bummed maria and that will be you!, Dont worry about the money I should have just enough to cover it, do you need this in cash? please forward me details of the hotel booking asap Also I was under the impression that we were going to get married, now you have seen my pic you are not so sure? I might not be the best looking but I have a massive chopper and its got your name on it I am deaf, however I am able to lip read, I have not been deaf all my life, it happened back in nam during one of those dreadful bumming sessions, they shot jizz in my ears, and taped them up, it wasnt until i escaped and removed the tape that i realised i had lost my hearing, dont be worried about that though as I will still make a good housewife, you can work on my farm with your son Sowing the seeds, The birds and the bees

Flight details

Depart - flight number BA0055
Heathrow 19:05 29/09/06
Arrive
Johannesburg 06:55 30/09/06


Depart - flight number BA0056
Johannesburg 20:15 02/10/06
Arrive
Heathrow 06:20 03/10/06


i have not been able to bum or be bummed

Dear Phil,

Thanks for the mail and traveling schedule which you sent. Do not be dismayed about my being sure before we get married, although since my husband died i have not been able to bum or be bummed because of my situation but be rest assured that i will definitely make feel like a real man as long as you will be man enough to withstand me.
All the intended purposes will need cash in doing it, so I think paying in cash will be accepted. If I may ask what kind of gift do you intend bringing for your wife to be? As a remembrance of your love and good will.
I will send the reservation information to you later today.
Thanks

Yours truly

Maria

he wore this watch up his ass


Maria

I am all man baby Let me lick you up and down Til' you say stop, Let me play with your body baby Make you real hot, Let me do all the things you want me to do... Cuz tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you, I shall bring the cash, all 27500 of it, ill hand it over to you when i get there, you can take it from there, I trust you so dont let me down
I have decided to give you something very special to me, ive attached a picture for you This watch was on my Daddy's wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured, put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew if the gooks ever saw the watch it'd be confiscated, taken away. The way my Dad looked at it, that watch was my birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, Maria, I will give the watch to you.
I look forward to receiving the reservation later today, let me know what you think of the watch aswell
I cant wait to see you, you have made me feel sixteen again. I thought I'm going to wear a T-shirt with Crowded House written on the front of it

Look forward to hearing from you later today
Take care my little crab stick

She Booked A Hotel!!


>Dear Phil,

Enclosed is the hotel confirmation slip and the hotel will be waiting to >pick you up as you requested. You are to dial my number like this on your arrival at the airport or >the hotel: 073-315-4392.


Thanks and see you soon.

Yours truly

Maria

And here's to you, Mrs Khumalo


Maria

Do I have to pay for this hotel room or are you paying for it? I think its the least you can do seeing as I am handing over 27k in cash. Will you be waiting for me at the airport? or will you be at the hotel? I want to bum you before I hand over the money
I notice you have spelt my name wrong on the booking, I will contact the hotel to get it changed to the correct name, I dont want any trouble when I arrive at the hotel And here's to you, Mrs. Khumalo Jesus loves you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo) God bless you please, Mrs. Khumalo Heaven holds a place for those who pray (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey), What do you think of the watch I am bringing for you? I hope your not put off by the fact its been up my anus, it has been cleaned so it no longer smells I look forward to hearing from you today
Take care you meff xx

My Sphincter is Twitching


Maria

I have not heard from you for a while, what is going on? have you made all the arrangements? this is not the way to do business Maria. I am flying out tomorrow and you have yet to answer my questions Do I have to pay for this hotel room or are you paying for it? Will you be waiting for me at the airport? You gave me a number to ring but i wont be able to hear you as i am deaf, i told you this ages ago When the deal goes through and the bumming is complete will you be flying back with me to my farm? Old MacDonald had a farm Ee i ee i o And on my farm I have some chicks Ee i ee i oWith a cluck-cluck here And a cluck-cluck there Here a cluck, there a cluckEverywhere a cluck-cluck I am getting nervous my sphincter is twitching
If I don't hear from you today I will have to seriously consider cancelling my flight, for a deal as big as this you need to keep in regular contact
Speak to you soon hotlips

I will be there to welcome you


Dear phile,

Why are you always making treat whenever you are writting to me. I have made reservation for you at the hotel. When you arrive give the hotel people my number to call me. I will be there to welcome you. You are coming with almost 27 thousand, how about 3.5 million you stand to gain.
maria

You are my sunshine


Maria,

I am so glad you have made contact with me. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never no dear how much I love you, so please don't take my Kumalo away. Today is the day I fly over, I am just packing my suitcase, do I need to bring my swimming trunks? I used to wear speedo's but due to the size of my manhood it can become rather embarrassing. You didnt answer my question about the corby trouser press and the complimentary shower cap, this is very important maria People have been asking me what I'm up to this weekend so I just told them that Me, me Mam, me Dad and me Gran are off to Waterloo. Me, me Mam, me Dad and me Gran with a bucket of Vindaloo. This is quite a normal thing to do at the weekend so they won't get suspicious.
I am very excited about this deal, when you get to my age finding a little play thing like yourself is something every man dreams of, its like my uncle buck once said Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town There's no need to be unhappy. I am looking forward to cracking open a bottle of Blue Nun and tin of Spam in celebration of our business dealing and us becoming soul mates. These are true delicacies in Britain.
Have you ever had Fray Bentos? When you come to my country I'll will cook one for you. It's a pie in a tin - what will they think of next!!?? We also have coca cola - you probably won't have heard of this, it's a sugary soft drink made from vegetable extracts, I think you can only buy it in England, it's very special. Who loves you, eh? That's right, Mummy loves you, you little monster. Mummy loves you more than anything - more than all the cakes, more than all the jewellery, more than all the chocolate in the world.
Your son can go to school in my country, there is an excellent one down the road called Grange Hill. It used to be in London but they moved it to Leeds which is good because Zammo and Roland loved it there!
I have been working out in the gym so that I can 'go like a sewing machine' when we are making the two backed beast. There ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough, ain't no valley low enough to keep me from you. Have you informed the hotel that I am deaf? I wish I'd be at bit more spontaneous. Sometimes I feel like going out, stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head and saying, "Look at me, I'm a giant witch."
Lord Ronald Atkinson once said "'Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs". Today Maria, I am Beckenbauer. I'm gambling my eggs, and my balls on coming to meet you and carry out our business. Don't let me down Maria, don't let me down, don't let the big man down. The big man is up right now, up real high, don't let me down. If you let me down then I'll be real down, right down and I like being up, up high like Blackpool tower - that's high and has a lift in it to the top - I want to stay at the top because I'm at the top right now with you in my heart Maria. Do you understand how I'm feeling? I shall be at the airport for about 5 so if you can answer my questions before then i can fly out Safe in the knowledge there will always be a bit of my heart devoted to All the people So many people And they all go hand in hand Hand in hand through their parklife
I have always wanted to visit South Africa. There are many things to see and do.
Will you take me to the Lion Park? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the Soweto? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the Rhino and Lion Nature Reserve? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the South African Lipazzaners? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the Lesedi Cultural Village? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the Bunny Park? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the Krugersdorp Game Reserve? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the Waterfront? I'd like to go there!
Will you take me to the Lifestyle Garden Centre? I'd like to go there!
I want to go to lots of Zoo's - I like animals. My friend once had sex with a goat. Ooh, now let's get down tonight Baby I'm hot just like an oven I need some lovin' And baby, I can't hold it much longer It's getting stronger and stronger And when I get that feeling I want Sexual Healing
Look forward to hearing from you before I leave my little cup cake

The Final Straw


Maria

Ive had a terrible time! I was stopped at the airport, first they found my dog, he is only small, he was in my inside pocket his name is bandit. I first saw him in a shop down the high street, i went into the shop and said How much is that doggy in the window The one with the waggely tail How much is that doggy in the window I do hope that doggy's for sale, that was 5 years ago now so im sure you can understand how much he means to me
Anyway they took my dog away and lead me into a dark room, I was frisked, they used a rubber glove,Im sure you can imagine what i have been through, it brought back terrible memories of nam, at least this time i was lubed up! The good news is they didnt find the money in my suitcase so our deal can still go ahead do you still want to be my business partner and maybe my wife, this weekend was supposed to be the happiest of my life instead ive been anally probed by butcher brown at the airport,
So how about next Monday? i'll take you for a drink on tuesday, we'll be making love by wednesday and on Thursday, Friday and Saturday we'll chill on sunday
It feels like i am taking all the risk here, we are supposed to be partners, I know i stand to make 3.5 million of your husbands hard earned cash but I can only sacrifice my ass so many times
There is another option, some of my old friends from the army have ways of sneaking you into the country all they would ask for is 10p of your husbands wealth, I did hear about this corporal, right, and he's in the 3rd battalion, this lad, but he's right mean, ok. He goes out in Bangkok, right, and all the prostitutes is coming up and saying how much. He goes "I'm not paying that", right, and then this beautiful lassie comes up. She's gorgeous, man, and she's half the price of the others. They're getting down to it and he puts his hand up her skirt and gets a hold of the old meat and two veg, right. He thinks, hang on - I've paid me money, I'm gonna have summat. He flips it over and he fu... ...and funnily enough it lands on its wheels, it starts first time and they just drive away. Strangest story ive ever heard!

let me know what you want to do then, ive noticed you have been a bit funny with me recently? have I done something to offend you? you know we belong together, you and I forever and ever. No matter where you are, you're my guiding star. And from the very first moment I saw you there was such emotion I'm walking on air, just to know You are there Hold me in your arms Don't let me go I want to stay forever Closer each day.... Home and away...
Attached is a pic of my dog

Speak to you soon pissy flaps