This all started with a postal letter received from Spain, addressed to my wife. Likely the scammer got her address from the online Yellow Pages, where she has a listing as a family therapist. The letter claimed to be from someone privy to the 37 million dollars skimmed from funds intended to promote the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.  If you believe that, I can offer you a very good introductory price on a bridge in Brooklyn.)

After receiving the original letter, by devious Cousin Mike and I sent the would-be Scammer this: (extra explanatory notes are in bold red)

------------------------
Dear Mr. John Fuchs,

Thank you for your interesting and kind letter you sent.

I am quite interested in what you propose, but there are a few questions I must ask first.

1. You addressed your letter to the correct address, but for some reason it was sent to "Audrey Cook"  This is very close in spelling
to my name, which is Aubrey Conk.  Because of the misspelling, the letter arrived five houses away, where someone named deConk lives. Luckily, they saw the address and forwarded it here.  But, I must ask: how did you know my address, was it through the Widows and Orphans Fund, perhaps?  (They have misspelled my name MANY times, and I have to keep reminding them that "Aubrey" is a man's name, while "Audrey" is a woman's.  You would think they'd pay better attention, after all, my name IS printed on my personal checks, and I have made VERY generous contributions to the Widows and Orphans Fund, for many years now.

2.  Did you get my name from Mr. H. Grytpype-Thynne, from the Canadian Friends Of South Africa (Boer) Association?  If so, then you must know that he lived in SA from 1937 till just after the end of World War 2, which is when he emigrated to Canada and joined my very successful Newcastle Coal Company.  This company is, of course, the precursor to my current company, the King Biscuit Co. If that is indeed the case, then Mr.Grytpype-Thynne would surely send his greetings.

(King Biscuit Co.? Sounds like a blues reference. See later… Hercules Grytpype-Thynne was a “sleazy, well-educated and scheming cad” played by Peter Sellers in the 1950’s BBC Radio comedy series The Goon Show)

Anyway, your financial plan interests me greatly. Not only do I follow soccer, but I am involved with the coming 2010 Olympics here in Canada, and have set up a holding company to handle my company's tax-deductible
contributions to the event.  It would be relatively simple to accommodate international monetary transfers safely, quickly, and
quietly. As I am aware of political strife in South Africa, I fully understand the sensitive nature of your business, and can guarantee
utmost confidentiality; no-one else need hear of our relationship.

Please reply and let me know the answers to (1) and (2) above.  Once I understand how you came to contact me, we can continue with your proposal.  

Yours truly,

Mr. Aubrey Conk
Vancouver, B.C.

-----------------------------
(The sucker bit just as fast as the time-zone delay would allow):


Dear Mr. Aubrey Conk,
 
I believe it also necessary for me to express my profound gratitude to you for responding to my initial mail with interest, and as well I want to apologize again for the means by which I contacted you, I am obliged to you for your gracious concern and I hope your interest is really genuine, nevertheless your email shows that I can count on you at least to an extent. I sincerely appreciate your interest to assist me in this transaction; I needed a reliable foreigner who would be of assistance to me in order to have the funds relocated and as a matter of fact I got your contact address discreetly during my personal search for a reliable foreigner, please do not feel  offended for the medium in which I contacted you, this is a matter of necessity, perhaps if you read my  letter properly I did explain why I require your assistance in order to move the funds and I believe you would agree with me that this is the main reason your assistance as a foreigner is required, and however I would like to be convinced of your willingness, commitment and most of all your trustworthiness to execute this transaction with me, I certainly cannot afford to compromise any of these virtues, you know what I mean, I have my principles.
 
Please know that I do not know Mr. H. Grytpype-Thynne or got your contact from him and as such he know nothing about this transaction. With regards to the mistake I made in the spelling of your name I will beg that you forgive me because the mistake was my. I did spelled it the way I felt is want correct, please accept me apologize for the error and I promises you it will never happen again.
 
Without doubt you will eventually earn the benefits of  our partnership if we are able to work things out and have the funds relocated within a week or thereabout, and thereafter disbursed to other respective accounts, it is indeed necessary for me to be certain of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction, my trust will definitely not be given out lightly, I need to be convinced that you are a matured person with some integrity, we should at least have respect for each other, this I would say is very essential. With regards to the legality, I want to inform you that every thing will be done in accordance with all international law of banking. I must also inform you that you may be require to travel for some very important reason and if this is not confidant for you. you should let me know so I can think of what to do.
 
What I really expect from you is complete trust and commitment; I want this large sum of money mover with your assistance, and as a former banker I know that if we follow up this transaction diligently it would be completed within 9 working days, this is the stipulated time frame and if you work with me I will handle everything perfectly, my position as an insider will go a long way. I have to know if you are willing to follow up this business seriously before I can give you more details about this transaction and proceed, as a result of which I shall be waiting for your response and assurance, you need to be someone whom I can rely upon, at  least for absolute commitment and trust.
 
I hope we shall not go into debates, disputes or misunderstanding, I believe in doing things I claim to be capable of doing, it is a simple issue and you will see it accomplished before your very eyes, I wont waste my time chasing the wind, I mean what I say and I do the things which I know I can handle perfectly, it is my principle and this is how I work. The main point you must understand is that I am not imposing this transaction on you, you have the option of backing out at this early stage, but please we have to respect each other and you have to be honest with me, I don’t want to waste any resources of mine if you really don’t believe in what you want to stand for.
 
To be honest with you I know transactions like this are phenomenal perhaps because of the huge funds involved, but do not fail to understand that such transactions do take place every day and we do not hear about them because we are not part of it and sometimes even among top executives.
 
I wait to hear from you anyway, I have spoken my honest mind to you this day.
 
Honest Regards,
 
Mr. John Fuchs.

-------------------------
(Wringing our hands with glee, Mike and I composed the following masterpiece of deceit):

Hello again, Fuchs,

(Is your name Fuchs John, or John Fuchs?) I apologize if I have got it all wrong, but then again you called me a girlie name, Audrey, instead of Aubrey, so maybe now we are “even”.  (I make a joke by that!)

In regard to  Mr. H. Grytpype-Thynne :  I was GREATLY relieved to hear that you have nothing to do with him, because although it is true he was once a business partner in the early days of my business -- then called Newcastle Coal -- we did indeed have a falling-out after almost 20 years of honourable business together.  Unfortunately, it was a silly and unnecessary falling-out: he did me wrong, he was a dirty double dealer, and the devil got my woman.  The last I heard (many years ago) he was back in South Africa.  I attach an old photograph of him, just in case you have any dealings with him.  He wears an old-fashioned bowler hat, so even though he is much older now, he might still be recognizable. Make sure you have no dealings with him, as he is a pussy-crazed, low down, dirty rotten scoundrel.

 


H. (Hercules) Grytpype-Thynne, circa 1970
. (actually, it’s the great blues harmonica master, Sonny Boy Williamson, circa 1948.  He endorsed “King Biscuit” products on the radio out of Helena, Arkansas, thus earning the name “Sonny Boy” after Sonny Boy cereal, made by King Biscuit)

Anyway, back to our affairs:  I am, as I said, most interested in any mutually profitable transactions.  My holding company can accommodate a money transfer on this end, with little problem.  The amount is nothing: my company often deals in multi-million dollar amounts.  However, I would like to know a detailed accounting of what I will earn for participating in the transfer of your funds.  Also, I still am not 100% clear on how and why you found me.  You said “I got your contact address discreetly during my personal search for a reliable foreigner”  yet you did not describe how that occurred.  Please, do not be insulted by my question: it is merely a precaution.  I am sure you will understand that I am curious about this.  The fact that you wrote me via the post tells me that you must
know someone or an organization that I do business with.  That is why I asked you about the Widows and Orphans Fund.  But, perhaps it is from one of the many organizations I belong to that you learned of me:  The Widows and Orphans Association;  The Friends of Kazakhstan; The United Brotherhood Of Amateur Electricians; The Friends of Harry Secombe;  The United Empire Loyalists; The Bilo/Borat Happy Times Philanthropy League.

( Mike and I are “Amateur Electricians”; Sir Harry Secombe was one of the Goon Show cast; Bilo is Borat’s retarded brother. If you don’t know Borat, then maybe you are retard, too, yes?)

Please explain the connection so I can ask them why they give out my address to people I do not yet know.  If, by chance, you got my address from someone else, please provide the source.

Also, I must know what travel might be involved, and when.  I am 73 years old, and for convenience and also for health reasons, I only travel via our company Learjet.  The company must not know of our transactions, so in order to keep things secret, I cannot use the company plane.  So, please let me know where I would need to go, and when.  If a visa was required for any such travel, I would need some time to arrange that.

Furthermore,   please clarify what you would ask of me regarding the disbursement to other accounts after the main sum is transferred.  I keep two offshore accounts, and perhaps we could use these to conceal funds, if necessary.  I have done this kind of thing, particularly when hiding my extramarital affairs, in re. the woman that Grytpype-Thynne once stole from me — previously, she lived in absolute luxury in Jamaica, thanks to my largesse, and I was only able to keep her in her penthouse, swilling 30 year old Scotch and popping Valium, because I sheltered my income from the tax authorities.  Once Grytpype-Thynne took her, I sold the penthouse, but had the smart business sense to keep the accounts (one in Bahamas, on in the Grand Caymans) open — let’s just say that they have “come in handy” whenever I need to keep prying eyes from seeing all my business affairs.

I apologize for telling you my whole life story, I realize I am rambling on a bit.  You see, at my age, I am somewhat lonely.

Please respond soon, as we are near the end of the calendar year.  If I am to profit from this proposal, I need to do it soon, and I would very much welcome the opportunity to make some profit “under the table” -- as you may know, the Canadian government bastards tax us unmercifully — why, I can hardly afford to replace the ermine mudflaps on my Cadillac!!

I anxiously await your answers to my questions, and please let me know what the next step will be in our (hopefully) mutually beneficial business proposal.

Your Canadian friend,

Aubrey Conk, Ph.D, Esq.

( Ph.D, Esq.?  Not only an impossible bastardization of titles, but a tip of de old bowler hat to Idi Amin, who called himself just that!  Hope these African scammers recognize De President Fo’ Life)
----------------------------------------
( “Fuchs” immediately responds, after all, he’s got a live one on the line, right? WRONG.):

Dear Aubrey Conk,
 
I want to thank you once again for your genuine interest in this transaction, I am very glad to note that you are a noble, matured, and trustworthy person whom I can rely on for your capabilities to handle this transaction, and for a person of your individuality I am quite confident doing this business with you.
 
I did not get your contact from any of those organization you mention and I do not see any reason for you to be angry with any one for give out your information, actually I did got your address from the internet last year when I when I was having some problem with me wife and we wanted to separate. Then I need a professional I could talk with for advice, I did many search and I got your contact and save it but before I could talk with you we have the problem resolve and it was not important for me to contact you , me and my wife are still living together happily now. Sorry I cont remember the actual site I got your contact.
 
Like I said before, due to this issue on my hands now it became necessary for me to seek your assistance, I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and also you will help me in investing my own part of the money in your country, I am quite certain about that. You should not have anything to worry about, I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly in accordance with all laws of international banking, it shall pass through all laws of international banking and you have my word.
 
I will not require you to send me any money for any paper work or transfer of the fund and I not think you will need visa to travel because it will be one of the Europe country you will be require to go. Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that it needs your commitment and diligent follow up, if you work seriously, the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.
                                        
Firstly, I will want to know precisely the type of occupation that you do now, you should note that this project is highly capital intensive, this is why I have to be very careful, I need your total devotion and trust to see this through, I know we have not met before but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project. Remember I had mentioned earlier that you will shear with us equally because we agree that no one is more important that the other and as such we will shear equally among our self. We are just three in number plus you making four. If you make the calculation you will know how much you stand to gain.
 
You should also remember that I told you that, I alone will be contacting you because of the political status of the rest member. I will talk with them later today to let them know I have found someone who is willing to work with us, then we will make all the necessary arrangement on how the money will get to you. I am not very sure now but I think it will be Holland (the Netherlands ) you will have to transfer to because of the diplomatic connection one of us have there. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude, so you should listen to my instructions and follow them religiously.
 
Before I commence, I will need you to send me a copy of any form your identification (international passport) and confirm your current address to me again. As soon as I get these from you I will immediately provide you with more details information on this transaction. I hope you will understand why I need all these, the money in question is a large amount and I want to ensure that I know you well before I proceed to give you all the details to commence and carry out the project.
 
My name is Bernard John Fuchs, Fuchs is my family name and I am one of the white South Africans, please ensure that you keep this project confidential; do not discuss it with anybody, because of the sensitive nature of this transaction and my work.
 
Please reply soonest.
 
Sincerely,
 
Qin.
 
-------------------------------------------
(Qin? Bernard? I thought my good friend was “John”?  Oh oh!! Time for a little more mind-f***ing!)

Hello, Bernie,
 
Just to ask: you say you are Bernard John Fuchs (may I call you “Bernie”?) but then you signed your last e-mail “Qin”.  You say you are a white South African, but Qin is a very unusual name.  I hope this doesn’t mean you are Asian; however, if you are Asian, just be a man about it, tell me the truth, and we can still do business.  I myself am a black man, and I attach my photo, and ask that you send me yours, so that we may better become acquainted in anticipation of our forthcoming partnership.

 

File written by Adobe Photoshop® 4.0
(Aubrey Conk bears an amazing resemblance to the blues master Muddy Waters!):


You mention that you got my address last year when you
“need a professional I could talk with for advice, I did many search and I got your contact”  
 
I am very confused, and I want to know why my name (although misspelled) would be at a professional website about marriage help? This is very strange – at very least, I’d like to contact that website so that I can find out why they list MY address with a slight variant on my name, and why a marriage website has me, a business tycoon, listed on it?  Please, if at all possible, search your memory and provide that website for me. Thanks.
 
Next, I thought our proposal was just between you and me, and now you mention that there are two other parties?  If it is absolutely necessary to include them, fine, but I will require some identification and a description of who they are, where they are, and what their roles in our business proposal will be.  
 
As for the proposal, I would suggest you avoid the Holland connection.  Over here, we call it “going Dutch”  -- by that it means that the Dutch will cheat you.  Maybe that is just prejudice, but my personal history with people from Holland has only resulted in the misery and the backache, which hurts me when I walk, and too much conversation, it just hurt my tongue to talk.  By that, my expression means that the Dutch talk a lot, but they will cheat you whenever they can. The only person from Holland I ever trusted was my dear friend, the lovely and talented Xaviera Hollander*. Now that was a “Dutch Treat” if you understand my sense of humor! (The Happy Hooker, of course.  Maybe “Qin” will think I’m sexy!)

But I digress (my apologies, it is a slow day in the biscuit business, and I am just diverting myself with Internet and small talk!)
 
Back to business – there is one last aspect of your proposal that I am unsure of.  You said that you will not require any money from me for paper work or transfer of the fund.  Over here, we have a saying “There is no free lunch.”  -- By that, we mean that to make money, one must have money.  I fully expected to become an investor in our proposal, yet now you say I need not send any money!  I am baffled by this – how can I potentially earn upward of nine million dollars, without some investment on my part?  I am starting to doubt the legality of what you are doing – perhaps this is some kind of drug trafficking scheme, or other illegal money use?  If so, I will have nothing to do with it.  I can endorse and profit from “questionable” financial arrangements (which is why I keep the Grand Cayman and Bahamian accounts handy) – but I draw the line at drugs or similar nefarious activities.  
 
I demand some kind of assurance of how the money transfer will take place, and PROOF that drugs are not involved.  Please send me some sort of official proof of your standing within the committee dedicated to the World Cup promotion. Anything will do: perhaps a certificate or other document?  I cannot send you my passport, as I do not think e-mail a secure enough way to send documents (and even now, our correspondence might be watched by police anywhere in the world, who knows?).  However, as well as my photograph, I send a copy of my Ph.D which I earned over 40 years ago, in business administration at Northwest University.  For your information, my doctoral thesis was “Statistical Improbability, WalMart, and the Third World”. Several years later, the primary powers behind WalMart (The Walton family, especially John-Boy) acknowledged that my paper was an important aspect of their subsequent rise to global market dominance.  They rewarded me with my chalet in Aspen, and a large cash stipend.

 

(courtesy of Diplomas R’ Us)

 
So, to conclude, please clarify:
 
(1) your name and race (a photo, please)
(2) the “marriage help” connection.  The website where you got my address, please.
(3) a description of who the other parties are, where they are, and what their roles in our business proposal will be.
(4) assurance, re. your proposal vis a vis drugs.
(5) proof of your involvement with the World Cup committee.
 
I am sorry to be so insecure sounding, and to sound as if I distrust you.  I do not wish to offend, but I have heard of less-than-reputable dealings, and only last year my close friend and business partner, Mr. Walter Jacobs, was murdered, as a result of his involvement with what turned out to be drug traffickers he had met online.  I am only being cautious.
 
I await your further communication, and I am anxious to receive your assurances so that we may proceed.
 
Your friend,
 
Aubrey

(Mr. Walter Jacobs? None other than Little Walter, the great blues harmonica pioneer and Muddy Waters band alumnus)
-------------------------------------
(Oooooh, despite the “first name basis”, Mr. Conk is getting pretty demanding on his buddy, What will Bernie-boy say?)

Dear Aubrey,
 
I got your email but I was quit disappointed at the way you talk. To be honest with you I do not buy the idea of you having negative feelings at the back of your mind because in your email you seem to exhibit some traces of skepticism which is not good for this transaction.
 
If you read my fist letter properly you will understand that I am not alone in this transaction but I did explain I alone will be the one contacting you for some security reason. I also explain to you that the money was give to us to bribe some FIFA official so that we can get the right of hosting the next word cup. Does such money have any paper prove to show for it, so why do you want prove from me.
 
The reality of this matter you have to be aware of is that lots of money are been moved across the continent on a daily basis without people hearing about such transfers and in some cases even without passing through the official channels, with your years of experience as an adult you would be aware of such confidential transactions that do happen even among top executives, You know the circumstances in which we intend to execute this transaction and if we want to carry out a smooth deal then it is imperative we do it on a low key.
 
I really do not expect that you will not spend any money on your part before we complete this transaction. What I am saying is that any expenses that well come up on my end will be taken care off by me not you having to send me money but some expenses may come on your end like traveling expenses hotel etc. so please understand we both have our part to play.
 
In the email you send to me on Wed, 20th Dec 2006, you did attach a picture of a man and said he was Mr. H. Grytpype-Thynne and you are GREATLY relieved to hear that I have nothing to do with him. You also stated in your email (I attach an old photograph of him, just in case you have any dealings with him.  He wears an old-fashioned bowler hat, so even though he is much older now, he might still be recognizable).in this last email you sent to me, you also attached a picture of the same person and said it is yours and included a certificated to proved it.
 
Please what do you take me for? A full or some one that dose not know what he is doing or saying.which do you think is more risky? to send your passport of your picture and certificate. For now every think make no sense to me because you do not sound serious any more (forgive me if I am wrong) for now I will not give you any more information about thins transaction because I am not sure of your willingness. Please what I request from you is your international passport not a picture. You most send it before we can continue with this transaction.
 
My wife brother marry a woman from Surinam and we were there 4 mounts ago, the most honorable greeting there is KINBOGBE and when it is abbreviated it is QIN or KIN,I should have explain it to you before use it to honor you. KIN is not me name it is just an honorable greeting.
 
Unanimity between us as partners I must say is very important and I expect you to trust me. I believe a mans word is only as good as the one giving it; I can only assure you with the personal honor of my word and I expect you to take my word because I do not give my word lightly neither do I say things I have no intention to follow through. Even though I may have become the solicitor by virtue of this transaction with you, it does not change the fact the apprehension is more on my end.
 
 I can only advice you to comply with me and let us concluded this transfer but if you do not fill conformable you should let me know so I can think of another ways out. I am sending you my identity so you can have more confident of the person you are working with.
 
Please be strait forward with me.
 
KINBOGBE
 
Bernard John Fuchs



--------------------

(The above carried the foreboding header “Do You Really Want To Work With Me?” - As tempted as I was to send a picture of Boy George singing “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” -- along with some more BS about my latest partner or similar hogwash — I stuck to the idea of ramping up the paranoia aspect.  First I sent him these short messages as a little delaying tactic, implying that, as a white man, he thought all us famous bluesmen looked alike! BTW, I like how I have reversed our races; he is a black man pretending to be white, and I am a white man pretending to be… Muddy Waters? No, right, uh, Aubrey Conk, he of the massive wealth who just happens to look like Muddy!)

----------------------

KINBOGBE, John,


This will be a short message, but I will write again in an hour or two.
 The time difference between Vancouver and South Africa makes it
difficult!

Please, check the photos of myself and Mr. Grytpype-Thynne, side by
side.  Not only are we different people. those pictures were taken many
many years apart.  Are you saying all black people look alike, that you
cannot tell us apart?

Please don't let your mistake foul our business dealings. The answer is
YES I want to work with you.

I will write more shortly.

Aubrey
--------------------------
John,

I forgot to mention.  That certificate is my Ph.D.  It is NOT security
sensitive, so I did not mind sending it to you.  It only proves that I
earned a doctorate from college back in 1963.  If some fool wants to
steal it and pretend to be me, that's okie-dokie with me.  The world
can always use another biscuit tycoon (I make joke of course)  But,
seriously ... there is no number or security code on that document, so
it doesn't matter if it goes on e-mail.

More to come soon,

Aubrey

--------------------------------
(Now for the really weird
stuff to start! Yippeee!!)

Dear John,
 
Just when we were beginning to trust each other, a most distressing incident has occurred.  An hour ago, I had a visit to my office from the RCMP (the Canadian National police) as well as a gentleman from INTERPOL, acting on behalf of the Spanish National Police.  They demanded to know if our company had been contacted recently from Spain, and if we had received anything inviting us to participate in money transfers from South Africa. Of course, I immediately thought of you, but do not WORRY, I said NOTHING.  As soon as they left, I asked my secretary to retrieve the envelope your letter came in.  (You see, I keep any foreign postage stamps for my grandson, who collects stamps).  Sure enough, I then noticed your envelope came from Spain.
 
Now I am very worried.  Glancing out my office window, I see what must be an unmarked police car, and occasionally they are taking pictures of the people coming and going from the King Biscuit offices!  I cannot believe this is happening, John.  What have you got me into?  Will I be arrested?  I am going to leave my office now, and head to my ski chalet at Whistler (one and a half hour’s drive) so that I may avoid police scrutiny.  I can continue to reach you by e-mail, as this is a Yahoo (web-based) account.  I have not given you my personal e-mail at business, as I don’t want my secretary or anyone else reading our correspondence.  I have already deleted your e-mails from my mainframe computer, so DO NOT WORRY.  I will use my laptop to write you, and if any further police scrutiny arises, I will throw the laptop down the well, or otherwise destroy the hard drive, if necessary.
 
Now, I must ask you finally: be STRAIGHT with me: is this about drugs? because, as my vice president here at KB, Mr. Mackey,  says, “Drugs are bad, m’kay?”  I will participate in ANY kind of transaction EXCEPT drugs.

 

(Mr. Mackey? Oh, right, from South Park!)
 
Please advise… I am en route to Whistler now, writing this in the back of my Escalade, while Pablo, my trusted driver and fudge biscuit expert, drives.  I have a satellite modem, so I can contact you immediately.
 
Yours,
 
Aubrey
 
P.S. I do NOT hold an international passport; is this a problem?  My Canadian passport is long expired, as in Canada senior citizens do NOT require a passport to travel.  I can travel freely in the world, but will have to obtain the correct visas from the appropriate consulate(s), at the time of travel.  In other words, as we say down at Cupid’s Gym, “No Problemo!”
 
---------------------------
(Seemingly a bit freaked, “John” dashes off this):

Dear Aubrey,
 
I do not know want to think about your email because it is very unusual for Interpol to involved in such mater,do you really mean what you are saying because if it is true them Interpol are becoming job less.nevertheless it was nice to know that you have not give any information to them,i fill you are a very reasonable man for that action you have taken.
i really do not understand why all this is happen to me ,i have a filling that you do not have luck so i will find some one else how the police will not follow.
 
please don't be afraid as you have told them nothing then you will save but i swear to you in the name of GOD i have nothing to do with drug.this money was given to us by my country government,if the case come to the worst i will prove it though i will then lose all the money to the government.
 
Just take care of your self and forget about this transaction.
 
Regards,

 ----------------------

(Aw, gee, Bernie/John/Qin... don’t give up on your old biscuit-tycoon buddy so easily, after all he’s really jammed up with the law, thanks to you, pal!! Aubrey’s “secretary” now sends this off, on behalf of the tycoon-on-the-run):
----------------------
Dear Mr. John Barn,

I am writing on behalf of Mr. Aubrey Conk.  I am his personal secretary
here at King Biscuit Co.  

Mr. Conk called me at my home late last night from Whistler, where he
has apparently been detained by police! He couldn't really go into
details over the phone, but he asked me to find and destroy the letter
and envelope from you. I am emailing you now from my home, as the
office has been shut down.

When I came to work this morning, the RCMP were there waiting for us to
open.  They have removed all the files and papers, plus Mr. Conk's
computers and data files. They even found and confiscated the tape
backups, which hold copies of everything that ever passed onto our
computers.

When I asked what this was about, the other man, who identified himself
as an Interpol officer from Madrid, Spain, said that Mr. Conk has been
involved in a "Nigerian scam" and that they are very close to arresting
people in Spain, and may very well arrest Mr. Conk! They said they are
checking your letter and envelope for fingerprints as well as DNA
evidence from the glue on the envelope.  What does this all mean?

I am very scared, as I need my job in order to feed my family, and if
the King Biscuit company is closed, I will be out of work.  Can you
please contact the RCMP and tell them that Mr. Conk is innocent?  They
can be reached by e-mail at wafl@phonebusters.com  or you can write or
telephone them at:
 
"E" Division Headquarters
657 West 37th Ave. Vancouver, BC V5Z 1K6
Telephone: 604-264-3111

The officers heading the investigation were Sgt. Henry Crun (RCMP) and
Agent Tony Orlando (Interpol)

PLEASE HELP!!

Sincerely,

Etta James,
Secretary

( 1.The addresses for fraud cops are all real, in fact they are the ones to whom I sent copies of “John”’s e-mails.
2.  Henry Crun = Another Goon Show character, an elderly idiot inventor played by Peter Sellers.
3.  Tony Orlando (& Dawn) “Knock Three Times” was the top selling song of 1971, 6 million copies sold.  Mr. Orlando is currently appearing with the Las Vegas branch of Interpol, apparently.
4.  Etta James  - The great R&B diva.  )

 

(Hearing nothing back, and figuring I’ve scared “John” off for good, I tried one last pathetic attempt at fence-mending):



Dear John,

I apologize for the e-mail that Etta sent you.  Not only was she NOT supposed to use my Yahoo account, but she acted prematurely (although she meant well by doing so).  Nevertheless, I cannot tolerate insubordination, no matter how well-intentioned, so she has been sacked.

The whole matter with Interpol was obviously a misunderstanding.  It turns out that some kind of so-called "Nigerian scam" was being perpetrated down the street from my office, in fact right at the DeConk residence, where they also have a home-based business as overland saxophonists and residential dirt-chute cleaners.  They have relatives in Spain, and when your letter arrived, it was mistakenly opened before being forwarded to me.  Thus, the authorities thought there was some kind of monkey business going on, and that's why they came to the King Biscuit offices, when in fact the trouble was with DeConk.  Apparently there's often trouble with DeConk, something to do with congolene lye (a very poor business investment, especially with the Godfather of Soul no longer drawing breath!) We black folks in Canada no longer have to sport a jelly-roll or a bad process, no suh!!

As for Whistler, it wasn't the same police at all -- Etta (who is a recovering crack cocaine addict) was semi-delusional when she jumped to the conclusion that I was in some kind of legal trouble.  What really happened was that my Escalade's rear plate had come off and dropped into the snow, so we were pulled over for no visible insurance proof.  We explained the problem, and the Whistler constabulary were most civil, so I invited them in for tea and cakes, and we spent a jolly time wishing each other a Merry Christmas. It turns out that Henry Crun is related (distantly) to Ms. Hollander, so we had many things to talk about.  The other fellow, Orlando, wasn't "Interpol" as Etta falsely reported to you... he is the head of the Whistler "Enter-Pole" which is a specialized brigade dedicated to eradicating sodomy on the ski-hills. Silly, silly Etta!  I'm so glad to be rid of her, the cow.

Anyway, if you can still take up the business where we left off, please let me know.  I have cleared my desk of all year-end obligations, and it's as simple as depositing and/or withdrawing funds, and there is now a VERY healthy balance in my personal account, as I have sold the Whitehorse Yukon Refrigeration subdivision to a Mr. James McCracklin of St. Louis, MO.  (This was my very own business, so ALL proceeds are MINE.)  I have put aside several hundred thousand dollars toward any possible personal dealings, whether they be with you, or anyone else.  The rest goes on Tim Horton's and Molson's, valuable investments indeed!

I look forward to your reply, and may I apologize for any upset Etta's e-mail caused you. And I apologize for the delay; what with this silly holiday season, I've been somewhat distracted by liquor and whores, ha ha ha!  (I make a joke, yes?)

Yours,

Aubrey

 

( Whitehorse Refrigeration = my version of selling fridges to the Eskimos. James McCracklin = Jimmy McCracklin, another great bluesman)

 

There has been no further word from “John”.  Hopefully, trying to keep up with the loads of nonsense caused his head to explode. Anyway, he was a really fun date... even though he kept trying to f*** me without so much as a kiss.  Oh well, it really was a lot of fun, and my first adventure in Scambaiting has prepared me for the (inevitable) next e-mail that will arrive. Thanks, Mr. Metimbers, for your inspiration!

 

 

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