Title: DO YOU SMELL FISH? Another scammer tries to hit me for a dodgy donation. His letter came to the right place. The Church of Fish & Bread is open for business and looking for fresh meat (or in this case, fish).
From: Tope Hi,
[Step in Father Bateyoo Reelgud. The more cynical among you probably think that is an alternative spelling of 'Bait you real good', but heaven forbid I should be so sneaky From: Father Bateyoo Reelgud Dear Sir, God bless you and how are you today? Your letter has come to the right place. It has been passed onto me by my secretary who told me that she received it by mistake, but I think God has intervened here. My name is Father Bateyoo Reelgud of the Church of Fish and Bread, and we have nearly 300 churches in our ministry. I think I may be able to help you. Your cause is a Godly one and it is the policy of my church that we help our fellow man forward the word of God and help the less fortunate people. You see, my church regularly makes charitable donations to worthy causes, and after speaking with my committee members, we are of the opinion that your cause seems very worthy and if you will allow us we would like to make a donation to your cause if you will agree to help us forward the word of God. If you are willing to use the donation for the good of God and to help your less fortunate fellow citizens then I am sure we can quickly arrange a donation to be made to you. Your case seems very worthwhile, and whilst we cannot donate large amounts ( because we have already made many successful donations this year ) I think that the church would be able to send you the small sum of US $352,330 (three hundred and fifty two thousand, three hundred and thirty dollars). We are usually able to donate larger amounts but at the moment are funds are quite limited as we are at the end of our financial year. This money would be sent to you in a manner of your choosing, and hopefully it would enable you to forward the word of God much more easily. Of course, we do not send out payments without going through the proper procedures, so if you would like to claim the cash, these are the steps you will need to take: 1. The Church of Fish and Bread will send you a agreement form, which you will have to complete and sign. 2. On receipt of the form, we will require a photograph of you, or a trusted representative as proof of identity. You will have to get a NEW photograph taken, holding two symbol of ours. The two symbols we need you to hold are a loaf of BREAD and a FISH (the name of our church). This proves that the person in the photograph is genuine. Passport or other photographs will NOT be accepted. If you agree to the two conditions above, we will attach the agreement form for you to complete, and then after that we will explain to you what type of photograph we need from you. Please do not send a photograph until we have explained how we want the photograph to be taken. On receipt of a SATISFACTORY photograph, we will immediately forward the $352,330.00 to you in a manner of your choice. Please let me know ASAP if you are interested in my offer Mr. Tope and I will forward you the agreement for your signature ASAP. May God bless you and your family, Father Bateyoo Reelgud
[Tope thinks he's hit the jackpot!] From: Tope Good day sir,
From: Father Bateyoo Reelgud Dear Tope, Blessings to you my brother and I hope that this email finds you in good health? God has surely sent your letter to me, and I am blessed for the opportunity to help my fellow man. Mr. Tope, my apologies for my late reply but I had to discuss your donation with the 6 members of the church Donation Committee. Sir, I need to make you completely understand what will be required of you before the committee are able to grant you this donation. Should you be in full agreement then I am sure that we can proceed in a very brisk manner and arrange to have your donation before the end of this year. First it is VERY IMPORTANT that you understand we must be 100% certain of your identity. Because our church is so very large and we give out nearly $10 million Dollars a year in charitable donations there are some people who try to send us false images in order to falsely claim a donation. Because of this my church always request identity in a manner which cannot be forged. I warn you now Mr. Tope that the photographic proof we will request from you may seem very strange, but it is this very unusual request that will ensure that the image you send to use is genuine. I am sure that you will agree that to pose for a unusual picture will be no trouble considering the sum of 352,330.00 we are willing to donate to you. Here is the donation procedure in details. Please read through it carefully, and if you agree to the terms of the church then we will forward you the agreement certificate. 1. First the Church of Fish and Bread will send you an agreement form to complete. This is a very simple form, and only requires your name and signature. 2. Next you will have to send the church a photograph of yourself in the pose we describe below. Once you have successfully completed the two requests above, the donation will be paid out to you IMMEDIATELY in the manner of your choosing. Here is how we need the photograph to be posed. I will go through it step by step so that you fully understand. 1. You will need to gather a large FISH and a FULL loaf of BREAD 2. You will need to sit in a chair. 3. You will need to place the FISH on your HEAD. 4. Hold the loaf of BREAD to your mouth and make it look like you are going to eat it. 5. Now get a colleague to take a photograph of yourself in this pose. VERY IMPORTANT: Please ensure that the photograph is BIG and CLEAR. Small or unclear photographs will NOT be accepted. One you have scanned in the LARGE and CLEAR photograph, please send it back to me as an attachment. One both the photograph and the agreement form have been received and approved your donation payment will be paid out IMMEDIATELY in a manner of your choosing. Mr. Tope, of course I fully understand that the picture request seems very strange, but as I have explained before, it is this very strangeness that will ensure to the Donation Committee that the image is not a forgery. If you are in agreement with the churches' request, please get back to me ASAP and I will forward you the agreement form. You will also be given a Donation Agreement reference number which you must quote of all future correspondence. God bless you and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Father Bateyoo Reelgud. NB: I have attached a photograph of one of our newest smaller churches. Hopefully soon we may be able to build churches in your beautiful country.
[The beautiful church of Fish & Bread!]
From: Tope Good day sir,
From: Father Bateyoo Reelgud Dear Tope, Blessing to you, and I hope you are well? I am pleased that you are happy with the arrangements. The Donation Committee have prepared the agreement for you to complete which I have attached to this message. As you will see, the form is quite simple, and just requires your name, signature and date. Please forward the completed form to us as a attachment ASAP. May God Bless you. Father Bateyoo Reelgud. [AGREEMENT FORM ATTACHED]
[No word from Tope for a while. Time to send a reminder] From: Father Bateyoo Reelgud Dear Tope, Am I to assume by your lack of contact that you no longer wish to apply for the donation? Please inform me of your decision as soon as possible. Bless you, Father Bateyoo Reelgud.
From: Tope Good day father,
From: Father Bateyoo Reelgud Dear Tope. Bless you for your reply, and I look forward to receiving your completed agreement form and image. Please note that I shall be flying to Singapore on the 2nd of January to attend to some church business, so please forward the form and picture before then or there may be a substantial delay before I can process the donation. Sincerely, Father Bateyoo Reelgud.
From: Tope Father,
[A day later and Tope sends me his picture, and Tope gets a name change] From: Tope Good day sir, The Signed Agreement
The picture
[As dumb as he looks, I'm not happy. I asked for the fish to be on his head AND a loaf of bread. I got neither!]
From: Father Bateyoo Reelgud Dear Sir, Blessings to you today, and thank you for your email. The completed form is 100% acceptable. I send my thanks to you for completing it in a most excellent way. Sadly, I have to tell you that the photograph you sent was rejected by the Donation Committee. If you will remember, we required that the photograph be LARGE and that the FISH must be on your head. Unfortunately the fish appears to be in some kind of basket and the Donation Committee have deemed this unacceptable. I am sorry but I will have to make a request that you take a larger image and also pose the fish properly. I can congratulate you though sir. After receiving the completed agreement form you are now half way to receiving your donation payment. Please note that as I told you previously, I will be leaving to do some work overseas, however, because you are putting in a good effort I have asked the donation committee to put forward another father to help you. His name is Father Ron Jeremy and you can contact him at [email protected] God bless you, and I hope that you will receive your donation very soon. In the meantime, I urge you to get a correct image sent to Father Jeremy as soon as possible. My kindest regards, Father Bateyoo Reelgud
[Surprisingly, Tope doesn't put up a struggle] From: Tope Sir,
[Time for Father Reelgud to prepare to fly to Singapore, so Father Ron Jeremy takes over. I feel no need to explain the Father's name to any of the red blooded males reading this From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear Mr. Babatope. My name is Father Ron Jeremy and I was given your details by the Donation Committee. I believe Father Reelgud told you that he was to fly to Singapore tomorrow morning and that I was going to be put in touch with you. Please address all further emails to me at [email protected] until further notice. The Donation Committee have told me that you have successfully completed the 1st phase of the donation procedure by sending in the completed Agreement Form, however they are awaiting a new photograph. Please would you let me know when you expect to be able to send the photograph? Blessings, Father Ron Jeremy on behalf of The Holy Church of Fish and Bread.
[Tope replies to Father Jeremy and sends a more suitable picture] From: Tope Sir,
[Please my friends, no fish jokes
[Time to sow the seeds for some prospective bad news] From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear Sir, First, my humble apologies over my delay in writing to you. I am afraid there has been a terrible accident involving Father Reelgud. I shall furnish you with the details shortly, but I thought I had better let you know that we are still proceeding with your case and that the image you sent to us is 100% acceptable, thank you. I shall be in touch shortly. God bless, Father Ron Jeremy.
[Tope replies and sends his condolences] From: Tope Good day sir, I am very sad as am mailing now cause the news of Father reegud came as a verey rude shock,i pray what ever his situation might be GODS in his intimate mrcies would have compassion on him and safe him in this unpleasant situation. Honestly,i'm short of words and i cant really talk much cause of the sad news.He has been so wonderful to me and i really appreciate oit cause he broughtr hope and joy that my sad and hard life would come to an end through your church and the committee.i really pray that would be realised and that the DEvilwould be put to shame. Pls let me be abreast of information. Once again accept my heart felt condolence. TOPE [I ignore this email to make Tope sweat]
From: Tope Good day sir, I HOPE EVERYTHING IS ALLRIGHT.HONESTLY,I AM BEGINNING TO GET FRIGHTENED BY THE LONG SILENCEAND IREALLY PRAY THAT THE LORD GOD COMES TO RESCUE{amen} HOW IS FATHER REEGUD AND WHAT ABT THE DONATION COMMITTEE? PLS.I REALLY NEED A WORD FROM YOU SO THAT MY MIND WILL REALLY BE AT REST. THANKS. BABATOPE
From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear brother Babatope, My humble apologies once more for the long delay in returning your email. I am afraid that the church has been very busy with funeral arrangements for Father Bateyoo Reelgud. I am afraid I have to report that our dear brother has passed away as a result of an accident with a motorised Tribble harvester. I will send more details of this shortly. Brother Reelgud's funeral is to be held this coming Thursday morning, and I will contact you again once the funeral has been conducted to finalise your donation payment. Bless you, Father Ron Jeremy.
From: Tope Good day sir, It's very unfortunate that someone as nice as FATHER REEGUD could go so soon. May GOD give the entire church and members of the family the fortitude to bear the loss. Honestly ,i feel so sads and touched but GOD knows best. PLS extend my sincere and heart felt feelings to all.I'M short of words for i never expected someone that is instrumental to the eradication of pverty and discomfort in my life to go so soon.I just believe that the good work that he has started would be finished by you and the entire donation committee. Pls accept my condolence .May GOD accept his spirit and body {amen} BABATOPE [I'll let him stew a short while...]
From: Tope SIR, Pls furnish me with the whole details. thamks. tope
[Now I reveal the circumstances of Father Reelgud's tragic death] From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear brother Tope, [I attach a quick PhotoShop effort showing Father Reelgud's fate]
Click to enlarge (61k)
[I was worried that Tope had got suspicious of the picture I sent, as he took a few days to respond. But, respond he did!] From: Tope HEllo sir, I really appreciate your detailed information sir,as per the means i would prefer it is western money transfer throughone of these banks OCEANIC BANK IN NIGERIA OR STANDARD TRUST BANK. I will explain more as per how it will be sent. i would want it in bits the amount i shall definitely communicate to you.Those i would want to help with the funds will be sent to you via pictures that would be taken by me.Surely it would forever relieve me and my whole family.Thanks to GOd for your your church and the donation committeee. Forever FATHER REEGUD would remain in my indelible memory. The name iwould want it to be sent to is SATUKESI BABATOPE. pLS.I WOULD WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE CHURCH.When it was found and also the vision and mission statement.Cause i'm already part of you andwould really want to be yourambassador here.So furnish me with all that matters. Once Again i commiserate the whole church and the immediate family of the late FATHER I really hope to immortalise him in my own little way by really helping the needieswith this fund.Cause he really introduced me to your kind hearted committee. Till i hear from you very soon.But i must confess the picture was really ....GOD! TOPE [I won't bother to reply. Tope is obviously worried about his donation now, so I'll let him stew for a while]
From: Tope HI, I HOPE YOU FULLY UNDERSTOOD MYPOSITIONABT YOUR GOOD CHURCH.I WANT YOU TOPE
From: Father Ron Jeremy My dear brother Tope,
The funeral pic above is an edited pic from the TV series 'Six Feet Under'.
From: Tope Sir, As per the picture am okay with that and that will really remind me the ThE DONATION WOULD BE IN MY NAME AS I SAID EARLIER.SATUKESI BABATOPE.If I will appreciate any useful information pertaining to the ministry.Audio Any other information as per the transfer of fund i will adequately furnish I sincerely appreciate your roles in the whole process and i 'm really BABATOPE
From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear brother Tope, I am sorry for my late reply. I have been busy with the Ordination of a new replacement from my bother Bateyoo Reelgud. Also, for your records I have attached a photograph of Father Reelgud's grave which I thought you might appreciate. Brother Tope, I am afraid there is a problem with your payment. Firstly, I tried to make the payment to you on Tuesday at the Western Union office, and they told me that there are new rules in place that prevent sums larger than $2000 being sent to your location on one payment. Perhaps I may have to split the donation up into smaller payments? Please advise me of your thoughts. Please take care, Father Ron Jeremy. [I attach a quickly edited version of Elvis Presley's grave which suits my purpose perfectly!]
From: Tope Sir, I really appreciate your effort so far.As per the payment,if you would recollect i told you that there are rules governing the transfer of money in my country.Well,there is no problem about that since you have seen it yourself.It is all about safeguiding the interest of innocent ones against fraudsters [Like you Tope?]. You just comply with whatever new rules as per the fund trasfer.Pls.send it in bits so that i will be safe here too. To forstall unneccessary investigations cause they are not aware of the reason for the money as well as the purpose.you could send $2000 for now and it will be kept in the records.i will tell you when to send subsequent ones so that you wont have to be sressing yourself for a benevolent and a just cause.May GOD help us all in this regard. Pls.i will be expecting your reply in the shortest possible time cause there are really urgent needs for the donation now. You could reach me through this no so that whatever information would be desseminated very fast.0802361XXXX. Thanks for the fraternal assistance.May you be blessed in JESUS name {amen].My regards to the donation committee. BABATOPE. [Don't worry about thanking me for sending you the grave picture Tope! Tope's email is ignored]
From: Tope Sir, How are you doing sir?just felt like knowing what is really on ground and also to express my profound appreciation on your fraternal interest and effort so far. God will in his infinite mercies reward you.{amen] Till i hear from you help say hi to everybody. BABATOPE
From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear Mr Tope, Thank you for your email. We shall make the W.U. payment within the next 24 hours. One final thing I need to ask (this was asked at the Western Union office), please can you give me your full mailing address? I have been told that payments of large amounts to your country now require an address. Blessings. Father Ron Jeremy.
From: Tope Sir, THANKS for the mail.i really need to know how much you will be sending in the next 24hrs.It's really very important because of the prevailing laws in my country. i know you wouln't find it funny if you hear am in trouble,that is why i would want to play safe cause of the stringent laws guiding the transfer of funds. I 'm really very appreciative for your understanding regarding this development.Pls let me know as soon as possible so as to facilitate you with whatever information you need. My mailing address is p.o.box 5191 ikeja,lagos. THANKS ONCE AGAIN FOR YOUR SELFLESS SERVICES.GOD WOULD REWARD YOU ACCORDINGLY. BABATOPE
From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear Tope, Many thanks for your email and details. Unfortunately your email was received too late to make the payment today. The payment will be made on Monday morning (the Western Union office is not open on Sunday). I will forward you a copy of the payment receipt as soon as the payment has been made, along with the security question and answer. I will be sending $2000.00 in the first payment. Blessings, Father Ron Jeremy.
From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear Tope, I am happy to report that the Western Union payment has been made successfully this morning. Please find attached a copy of the payment receipt. You will be asked a security question. The Question is "I have taken", and the answer is, "The bait". Please let me know when you have collected the payment and then I shall send my secretary out to make another payment to you. Sincerely, Father Ron.
Elvis Presley fans may of course recognise the agent's signature
From: Tope Sir, i saw the receipt of the western stuff and was in high spirit till i got to the bank. Honestly i was sad when the cashier told me she could'nt view anything like my payment on the system. [SHAME!] I thought it was as a result of the slow system cause it was experienced yesterday but to my utmost chagrin the same problem still exist till now so i was told to contact my sender with immediate effect. Sir you are the only person that could explain to me and most importantly make ammendments so that i would really be confident of the whole assistance you are willing to give. You can't imagine that i was stranded when i got to bank today cause all my hope was that i would have money to get me to my base. pls.treat this as a matter of urgency and if possible let me have your number. Though calling you might be difficult cause of the money to facilitate the call.well you can reach me through this no 08023611237. I will be eternally grateful if at the end of the day all works well . i pray the soul of FATHER REEGUD REST IN PEACE AND I KNOW HE WOULD BE HAPPY WHEN THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT COMES TO A POSITIVE CONCLUSION.THANKS IN ANTICIPATION FOR TREATING THIS "SAVE MY SOUL"TEXT AS A MATTER OF URGENCY. BABTOPE [I'll let Tope stew four a few days]
From: Tope Hi, If you really know how a word from you would bring so much relief to me you woul'n just mail me at once. Honestly,i can't really figure what is going on out and i can't just be more confused by this silence. Pls.help out inb this regard and thev ALMIGHTY GOD would see you through. BABATOPE
From: Father Ron Jeremy Dear brother Tope. Forgive me for my late reply. I was sent to Coventry on an urgent mission which took me some days. I have only returned this morning to find your emails stuck in my box. I cannot understand what the problem may be. As you can see by the copy of the receipt the payment seems to have gone through successfully. Perhaps these transactions are handled a different way in your country? Brother Tope, I have another suggestion which may benefit you further and make the payment much easier. On Monday (16th) I am to fly to Nairobi in Kenya to oversee the consecration of one of or new churches. It will be a simple matter for me to fly directly to Lagos with the cash payment and hand the full amount over to you in person. As you know, Nairobi is not a great distance from Lagos, just a few hours flight. I am afraid I will not be able to stay and will have to take the very next flight back to Nairobi, but this will ensure you get what you deserve in one large amount. I can of course arrange for the payment to be given to you in cash so that you may use it to benefit your people immediately. Please let me know if this is acceptable to you Tope and I will change my flight arrangement and send you my flight schedule. Do not worry about the VISA as my ministry has special dispensation for such things. Please respond quickly as the time of my flight is very soon. Blessings, Father Ron Jeremy.
[Tope for some reason takes many days to reply to me, and I think now he's probably on to my game!] From: Tope Hello, i haven't be around for sometime.i saw your mail and found it very unimaginable that you said western union could not be honoured in my coun try. That so called money you sent has a problem and you should try and trace it or better still you have been tricked and the money was not sent. So try and confirm in your country cause even moneies that are more than that dont have problems with the reciever here that if it wa sent at all! ANYway ,till i see you later. tope [Tope sounds a bit pissed at me!]
[Another long wait, and I attempt to reel Tope back into the game] From: Father Ed Wood Dear Mr/Pastor Tope, Good day sir. My name is Father Wood, and I am contacting you on behalf of The Church of Fish and Bread. You may be surprised to hear from me but I have been going through some old files and paperwork which was discovered at the site of one of our churches. First I must explain something to you which you probably are not aware of. I believe the last person to communicate with you was Father Ron Jeremy? I am afraid I have to give you the disturbing news that Father Jeremy was killed in a church fire some weeks ago. This is why you have not had any contact from him for some time. It is not yet know what caused the fire at the church, but tragically the whole church was burnt to the ground. Eight people were killed, including Father Jeremy and some members of the church donation committee, along with the church rector Father Gill T. Azcharged. The fire was so bad that nearly everything was destroyed including computer files. We have spent two weeks searching through the remains of the church and managed to find some small piece of paperwork, including one which was a printout of one of your letters which contained your email address, which is how I was able to contact you. Mr. Tope, I do not have any real idea why Father Jeremy was in contact with you, and sadly there are no survivors who can give me any information about you. It would aid me greatly if you would be able to give me some brief information as to what business you were doing with Father Jeremy. If father Jeremy was trying to help you in some way, please let me know. We have now moved to new premises and are able to continue our work as normal. With blessings and love, Father Ed Wood.
I never heard any more from Tope. Yet another scammer who probably got wise to my game. But hey, I wasted three months of his time, so it's not all bad news END.
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