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Title: RETURN OF THE NIGHT OF THE IGUANAS
PAGE 2
[The date doesn't matter, but sadly, it's still a fake!] From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN:JOHNNY, IT IS VERY SURPRISING THAT OUR RECEIVING AGENT WENT TO THE BANK TODAY TO COLLECT THE MONEY FROM THE WESTERN UNION AND HE WAS TOLD THAT THE MONEY IS NOT YET IN THE COMPUTER STSTEM. PLEASE,DO ALL YOU CAN TO TELL THE BANK TO RELEASE THE MONEY SO THAT IT CAN BE COLLECTED HERE. PLEASE MAKE HASTE TODAY AND SEE WHETHER WE CAN STILL BE ABLE TO RETRIEVE THIS MONEY BEFORE 3.00P.M TODAY. I AM EAGERLY WAITING. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
[Oh go on Harry; take another trip for me....] From: Johnny Cash Dear Mr. Marshal, I do not understand what the problem is? I called the W.U. office and they have told me that the payment is fine. Please speak to your bank again and double check. Sincerely, Johnny Cash.
From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN: JOHNNY, IT IS PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE THAT THIS MONEY IS NOT YET SENT TO NIGERIA FROM YOUR SIDE. INFACT, OUR RECEIVING AGENT HAS BEEN SO ANGRY THAT SINCE YESTERDAY HE HAS BEEN RUNING HELTER SKELTER FROM ONE BANK TO ANOTHER SEARCHING FOR A WAY TO GET THIS MONEY BUT UP TILL THIS MOMENT IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT THE MONEY IS NOT IN NIGERIA. PLEASE, THIS IS NOT A CHILD'S PLAY. BASED ON MY POSITION AND CREDIBILITY IN THIS COUNTRY I AM NOT SUPPOSE TO RECEIVE THIS TYPE OF INSULT BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I WANT TO REPRESENT YOU TO ACTUALISE YOUR PAYMENT. WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO GO TO THE BANK YOURSELF AND ASK THEM TO SEND THIS MONEY TO NIGERIA. I AM STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU IMMEDIATELY.FOR DELAY IS NOW DANGEROUS IN THIS TRANSACTION. MIND YOU TOMMORROW IS A PUBLIC HOLIDAY IN NIGERIA TO COMMEMORATE THE 43RD INDEPENDENCE CELEBRATION. SO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO AS REGARDS TO THIS WESTERN UNION PROBLEM HAS TO BE DONE TODAY AND IMMEDIATELY. THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
[Edward gets the hump] From: edward i uwa <[email protected]> Dear Johnny Cash, How are you and your business?I hope you are doing perfectly alright. I learn't from Barrister Harry Marshal that you have not still sent the money after giving him fake control number and he has been going to the Western Union since yesterday up till this morning, there is no trace of this money in Nigeria. My friend why is it so? Is this how we are going to transact all the businesses including the iguanas and mowglis [AH! Finally Edward mentions the Mowgli's!] which i have been labouring myself since all these days travelling from one states to another in search of all these animals for you. As a matter of fact to get this reptiles life one has to travel to the interior part of this riverine areas in Nigeria and it will involve travelling by two or three hours by speed boats which i have done despite been see fright moreso i have established contacts with the local hunters and fishermen who will help us to get this reptiles alive. Please if you want us to have a lasting relationship you have to call or you go the bank yourself and correct this anomalise for we over here are too much for this kind of troubles you are causing us. We are doing our own part over here effectively, you are the only person who is delaying this transaction by finding it difficult to send ordinary $2,500.00 to get the lawyer mobilised in order to work for us. The lawyer has no stake in this transaction, he is only risking his life by helping us to achieve our aims so he is not suppose to be insulted by going constantly to bank in search of the money that was not sent. Please this kind of treatment is quite inhuman and not suppose to be tolerated.If you fail to send this mobilisation fee to him today, there is every tendency that we are going to loose him because he is a man of honour and he has a lot of things to do. So to make things right go ahead and ask the bank to send this money immediately so as to console this man because he is about backing out of this transaction and if he do, it will be very difficult to get another lawyer who is going to pursue this business because he is the only acreditted lawyer with our bank. I will be happy to hear that the money has been sent and the Lawyer has receive it. Till i hear from you. Yours sincerely, Edward Uwa.
[Lets kick some Lad ass] From: Johnny Cash Steady Eddy, If you DARE speak to me like that again sir, I will CEASE all communications HENCEFORTH. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT speak to me in that way again. I am contacting the lawyer now, and instead of wasting my time sending the money I will get a flight, meet your lawyer in person and pay the amount in cash. Hopefully this will speed up the process. I will contact Mr. Marshal shortly. Now shut-it or else. Johnny.
[Time to give up on the Western Union payment and take a flight. I contact Harry]] From: Johnny Cash Sir, There must me something wrong. My patience is fast becoming tried. I think that the easiest thing to do now would be for me to fly down to you location and make the payment in cash in person. Please signal your agreement and I will make arrangements. [Carrot dangle] Do you foresee any further fees Mr. Marshal? If so, I would be grateful if you would calculate the TOTAL amount required so that I can bring the correct cash amount with me. Sincerely, Johnny Cash.
[Harry doesn't piss about when it comes to cash!] From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN: JOHNNY, IT GLADDENS MY HEART WHEN I READ YOUR MAIL TODAY SAYING THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED TO COME DOWN TO NIGERIA TO CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION. PLEASE, FEEL FREE AND BOOK YOUR FLIGHT IMMEDIATELY AND FLY DOWN TO NIGERIA FOR I WILL BE HANDY TO RECEIVE YOU AND EVEN ACCOMMODATE YOU. BE YOU ADVISED THAT YOU ARE GOING TO PAY MORE TO FINALISE THIS TRANSACTION BECAUSE OF YOUR PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE REQUIRED TO COME DOWN TO NIGERIA WITH THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS [YIKES!] WHICH WILL BE USED TO CLEAR OFF THE FUNDS FROM THE BANK. YOU KNOW THAT THE BANK WILL DEMAND FOR TRANSFER CHARGES AND STAMP DUTIES WHICH HAS TO BE PAID FIRSTLY BEFORE EVER THE FUNDS WILL BE RELEASED FROM THE BANK.SO IF YOU ARE COMING YOU HAVE TO COME DOWN WITH THIS AMOUNT SO THAT YOUR JOURNEY WILL BE FRUITFUL. PLEASE, INDICATE YOUR ACTION ON THIS ISSUE SO THAT I WILL KNOW THE NEXT STEP TO TAKE. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING MORE FAVOURABLY FROM YOU. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
[Edward grovels] From: edward i uwa <[email protected]> DEAR JOHNNY CASH, I DUELY APOLOGISE FOR THE WAY I SPOKE TO YOU LAST TIME OVER THE MAIL. IT IS BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I AM HIGHLY DEJECTED BECAUSE OF THE DELAY IN THIS TRANSACTION.PLEASE IF I HAVE TALK TO YOU THE WAY YOU DON'T LIKE KINDLY ACCEPT MY APOLOGY. PLEASE, IF YOU WANT TO COME DOWN I AM SURE THAT IS THE BEST SOLUTION TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS,FOR YOUR PHYSICAL PRESENCE WILL EXPADITE ACTION TO THE FINAL END OF THIS TRANSACTION. BASED ON THIS YOU HAVE TO CONTACT THE LAWYER SO THAT HE WILL TELL YOU HOW MUCH YOU WILL COME DOWN WITH,FOR HE IS THE PERSON THAT IS GOING TO BE WITH YOU UNTIL THIS BUSINESS IS FINALISED. KINDLY ARRANGE FOR YOUR TRAVELLING DOWN TO NIGERIA AND SEND ME YOUR FLIGHT SCHEDULE SO THAT THE LAWYER WILL BE AT HAND TO WELCOME YOU AND AT THE SAME TIME TAKE YOU TO THE BANK TO FINALISE THIS MATTER. I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU ASAP. YOURS SINCERELY, EDWARD UWA.
From: Johnny Cash Edward, Your apology is accepted, and I am sure when we meet we can have a jolly good laugh about this whole affair! By the way, how goes the Mowgli's? Is there any chance you will be able to get some for me by the time I arrive in Nigeria? Forget the bloody iguana's, compared to Mowgli's they are a waste of space. Are you able to get the Yellow Stained Pisser Mowgli? I have attached a picture of my own Mowgli to this email. His name is Foronenyne [4-1-9]. The picture on the left is Foronenyne as a baby, and on the right in his glass tank as an adult. I look forward to meeting with you soon. Sincerely, Johnny Cash.
Foronenyne.
From: Johnny Cash Dear Harry, I am disturbed by the sudden large increase in the amount required. We started at just US $2,500 and now it goes up to UK £150,000.00. This sum is easily within my means, but is a surprise nevertheless. Are you insane by any chance? I will agree to provide the sum as you require in cash, but now YOU will have to agree to one of my demands: I will require that you agree to book me a room in the Sheraton Lagos hotel for the duration of my stay (one or two days). I feel that this is small thing to ask considering that I will be bringing £150,000.00 in cash, as well as spending my own cash for the flight. If you agree to this then once I have given you my flight date, I will require you to send me a scan of the confirmation number and booking receipt for the hotel for my verification. Let me know if you are in agreement with this and I will immediately book my flight and send you the flight details along with the booking dates you will need for the hotel. Sincerely, Johnny Cash.
[Harry seems happy to accept] From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN: JOHNNY,
YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT WE HAVE A LOT OF FIVE STAR HOTELS IN NIGERIA AND SHERATON IS NOT EVEN THE BEST OUT OF ALL. BUT IN YOUR REQUEST I WILL ADVISED THAT WE MAKE BOOKING RESERVATION WITH THE EKO LE MERIDEAN HOTEL AND THE SHERATON BUT EKO LE MERIDEAN IS THE MOST PREFERED ONE. PLEASE GO AHEAD AND GIVE ME YOUR FLIGHT DETAILS AND THE BOOKING DATES I WILL NEED. AS SOON AS YOU SEND THIS, I WILL THEN SEND A SCAN OF THE CONFIRMATION NUMBER AND BOOKING RECEIPT FOR THE HOTEL FOR YOUR VERIFICATION. I AM FULLY IN AGREEMENT TO YOUR REQUEST. BE YOU INFORMED THAT THIS SUM OF ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS WILL ENABLE THE SMOOTH TRANSFER OF YOUR MONEY IN YOUR PRESENCE BEFORE YOU LEAVE NIGERIA. THE MONEY IS NOT SUPPOSE TO REACH SUCH AN AMOUNT BUT IT IS BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE PRESENT IN THE BANK FOR YOU WILL BE THE ONE TO SETTLE MOST OFFICIALS WHO ARE THE PEOPLE THAT WILL SIGN OFF YOUR PAYMENT. I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
From: Johnny Cash Dear Harry,
[Yet another dodgy document]
From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN: JOHNNY, THIS IS TO CONFIRM THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL, AND YOUR FLIGHT SCHEDULE. WE WILL CONFIRM TO YOU THE HOTEL RESERVATION BY TOMMORROW. NOTE: YOU HAVE TO TREAT THIS TRANSACTION HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND BE REST ASSURED THAT IS SUCCESSFUL, AND ALSO I WILL LIKE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU ON YOUR TELEPHONE LINE. PLEASE DO RE-CONFIRM BY MAIL YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT WE CAN TALK ONE ON ONE AND WE WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO MEET WITH EACH OTHER HERE IN NIGERIA. I AND MY PROTOCOL OFFICER WILL COME TO PICK YOU UP AT THE AIRPORT UPON YOUR ARRIVAL AND TAKE YOU TO THE HOTEL AND FINALISE THIS TRANSACTION THE NEXT DAY. LOOKING FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
[I'm getting a bit fed up of your constant demands Harry] From: Johnny Cash Dear harry,
From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN: JOHNNY, THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL, AND THE CONTENTS NOTED. MY PROTOCOL OFFICER HAS GONE FOR THE HOTEL BOOKING AND I WILL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS POOSIBLE. THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL
From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN: JOHNNY, I WILL LIKE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT DUE TO THE ALL AFRICA GAMES HOLDING IN NIGERIA. THERE IS NO VACANT SPACE IN EKO LE MERIDEAN HOTEL AS EARLIER AGREED. [FFS Harry, get a grip] I WISH TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE MADE A BOOKING WITH THE AMBASSADOR HOTEL,NO.16,OKOTIE-EBOH,IKOYI,LAGOS,NIGERIA.TELEPHONE NO.234-1-2693360, 234-1-2696077, 234-1-2693330. ROOM NO PARADISE TWO. AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU I WILL THEN SCAN THE CONFIRMATION NUMBER AND THE BOOKING RECEIPT. I AM WAITING. THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
[The hotel sounds like a fleapit, but I'm done
arguing over that now] From: Johnny Cash Dear Mr. Marshal, OK, that will be fine. I shall meet with you Sunday evening at the airport. Please tell me how I will recognise you? Please note that I have to visit Scotland today, I am attending a Haggis breeding conference, so I may be unnavailable for the next 24 hours. Johnny Cash.
From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN:JOHNNY, THANKS FOR YOUR EMAIL. MY PROTOCOL OFFICER AND I WILL BE WAITING ON SUNDAY EVENING AT THE AIRPORT TO PICK YOU UP TO THE AMBASSADOR HOTEL.WE ARE BLACK IN COMPLEXION,TALL AND STOUTLY BUILT,5.5FT HEIGHT,AND FAT, FOR YOU TO BE ABLE TO RECOGNISE US. PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL ARRANGEMENTS HAS BEEN CONCLUDED AND WE HOPE YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A NICE TIME WITH US. FIND ATTACHED THE BOOKING RECEIPT AND DO RE-CONFIRM YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER TO ME AS A MATTER OF URGENTCY. I WILL GIVE YOU A CALL AS SOON AS YOU FORWARD YOUR NUMBER. I WILL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
[Did this come out of the hotel bins?! "Official Receipt" my ass!]
From: Johnny Cash Dear Mr. Marshal, Thank you for your email and the copy of the booking receipt. I look forward to meeting with you and some women of ill repute. My direct contact number is as follows: (United Kingdom) 044 7092 037 387 Sincerely, Johnny Cash.
From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN: JOHNNY, THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER. PLEASE NOTE THAT IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU OVER THE PHONE BEFORE YOUR ARRIVAL AND I WILL LIKE TO PLACE A CALL TO YOU IN THE NEXT 20 MINUTES.CAN YOU GIVE ME AN ACCESS PLEASE. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE 8TH ALL AFRICAN GAMES HOLDING IN NIGERIA FALL WITHIN THE TIME YOU HAVE SCHEDULE FOR YOUR TRAVELLING. BEAR IN MIND THAT YOUR PURPOSE OF COMING TO NIGERIA IS TO WATCH
THIS 8TH ALL AFRICAN GAMES FOR SECURITY REASONS. MORE IMPORTANTLY,PLEASE NOTE THAT YOU SHOULD NOT DISCLOSE TO ANYBODY INSIDE THE AIRCRAFT EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE ON YOU FOR SECURITY REASONS. FINALLY,WE WILL BE EXPECTING YOU TO COME DOWN WITH THE SUM OF
ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS SO AS TO ENABLE US BRING THIS
TRANSACTION TO A FINAL END BEFORE YOUR DEPARTURE ON MONDAY. THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION. YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
[The day of the flight dawns] From: Johnny Cash Dear Mr. Marshal, This is my last email before I board the plane in just over an hours time. Just to let you know that everything is in place, and I have the cash payment with me, strapped around my waist for extra security. I hope we can complete the deal ASAP and you receive everything you deserve. Please forward my regards to Edward. I must say I am disturbed that he never got back to me about the Mowgli's, but once I have the funds in my hands the Mowgli's can go screw themselves! Sincerely, Mr. Johnny Cash.
[Oh dear. Looks like Johnny Cash didn't arrive after all. Mr. Marshal is disturbed] From: "harry marshal" <[email protected]> ATTN:JOHNNY, I AM WRITING TO YOU NOW WITH ANNOYANCE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO US BY NOT COMING DOWN TO NIGERIA AS IT WAS SCHEDULED YESTERDAY. YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOT DEALING WITH LITTLE BOYS BUT WITH PEOPLE OF INTEGRITY AND HONOUR. [And I'm married to Britney Spears] BE YOU ADVISED THAT THIS BUSINESS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD BECAUSE YOU HAVE A STAKE IN THE TRANSACTION.SO YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS THE BUSINESS SO FAR IS NOT ENCOURAGING. INFACT, I AM NOW DOUBTING YOUR CAPABILITY TO FINALISE THIS BUSINESS. I IN PARTICULAR AND THE OFFICIALS WERE WAITING PATIENTLY AT THE AIRPORT TO WELCOME YOU BUT YOU DID NOT TURN UP.AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WENT AS FAR TO CROSS- CHECK THE MANUSCRIPT LIST OF THOSE THAT CAME WITH THE BRITISH AIRWAYS ON SUNDAY BUT YOUR NAME WAS NOT AMONG .THAT SOUNDS SO CHILDISH BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TALK UNTIL I HEAR FROM YOU. PLEASE YOU ARE ADVISED TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME FAST SO THAT I WILL KNOW THE NEXT LINE OF ACTION TO TAKE BECAUSE I CAN'T ALLOW THIS MONEY TO WASTE AWAY WHILE I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE IT FOR LIFE. I AM EXPECTING YOUR REPLY. [It's certainly on the way Harry] YOURS FAITHFULLY, BARRISTER HARRY MARSHAL.
Edward Uwa voicemail (sounding pissed off) calls to ask where I am. Click HERE to listen - 55 Seconds (89k)
[Time to put the lads out of their misery]
This letter is to Marry Marshal and is being CC'd to Edward Uwa.
Dear Harry & Edward.
The REAL Johnny Cash
TO DATE THERE HAS BEEN NO REPLY........
END
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